Time Apart

I know that this will be tough for me. Even though I miraculously have a full schedule, I will miss him with all my heart. This morning I woke up to a text from him; <3. So simple, yet it made my day. Later on in the afternoon he sent a message saying how this Sunday's Giants' game will be the first one we haven't watched together. It felt nice to know he will miss the time we have set aside to spend with each other. I know, it is just a weekend that we will be spending apart. It will be almost 2 weeks, 10 days to be exact, that we won't see each other though. I probably won't be able to sleep well. Tossing and turning since my body some how know's that Friday to Sunday night I should be laying next to him. I will be ready to jump into his arms when I do. I know how much he means to me though. I am no longer in love with him. Remember being "in" love can mean you can be "out" of it too, if that makes sense. A few nights ago we had a major fight. I realized then that I love him. The love that you have for a person in your family, the kind that just doesn't go away. No matter what silly things they do, no matter how much you want to smack them into another race. Love like, I would do anything to see him happy. Love like, a friend I known since I was 5 years old, they moved away then came back and I still love them, love. Love that makes me want to be there during the roughest times of his life and see him through it. Not in love, like the days are bright and sunny always. Not in love, in love is like lust to me. Infatuation if you will. Do you get what I mean? Ugh.

First Family Dinner

It was cute how nervous he was. He jogged 2 miles home from work and quickly took a shower to get ready for dinner. I didn’t know what to wear nor what to talk about. All I could really do is laugh at him. Before leaving he took two shots to attempt to calm his nerves. I don’t know if it worked though. We arrived at the restaurant a few minutes early so we walked to a wine shop a block away because he wanted to buy my mom a little gift. He wanted to choose something in a fancy bottle and it had to cost a little more. He really wanted to impress her. When we got inside everyone greeted each other. My mom had him sit closer to her and my stepdad so that they can talk easier. We jumped from topics about football to taking pole dance classes and booty clapping. And in honor of my mom’s birthday, when Birthday Cake by Rihanna came on we decided to clap and dance for her turning it into a full on restaurant party. Everyone was singing along. We had such a good time and I think he calmed down once he realized they weren’t trying to grill him. Maybe I will invite him out with the family again one day.

Cleaning House

Literally, I am cleaning. It is only so much a girl can take. *Scott lives with 2 other roommates and this place is kind of a mess. Everyone is either too bust or too lazy to clean up after themselves. On occasion I would come over and be surprised by the apartment being spotless. More often than not I am put off by the over flowing trash in the bathroom and kitchen. Dishes pilled up even though there is a dishwasher and dust and dirt flying everywhere. Now, with that being said as the girlfriend of one of these roommates, wouldn't you want to eat and shower in a clean place? As a woman could you really let your man live in filth and lay up in it with him when you stay over? So I found myself cleaning the bathroom today. Not because I had to. It was because I was tired of sitting on a toilet that smelled like pee. Of course as men, they probably would recognize it because they are standing up. I do despise the fact that one of his roommates' girlfriend finds it ok to leave panty liners and other feminine products in full view in the trash. I should not have to sit down on the toilet and look over to something that was on another womans' vagina. The least she could do it wrap it up in tissue or flush it. If I am going through any lady issues while I am visiting *Scotts apartment I take everything outside to the trash compactor immediately. It is just gross. It makes me think about the possible filth they live in at home. Now, before you say it, *Scott tries to pull his weight. He is a little messy but he makes sure to fill up the dishwasher when things get crazy and clean the inside of the shower so we don't have to wash in scum. This is making me want my own place so that he could visit me instead.

He wants a Prenup

Prenuptial agreements. How in the hell did we land on such a topic? Well, it all started during dinner last night. *Scott and I were out eating at a Dominican restaurant talking about who knows what. Somehow we began talking about being faithful in a relationship and cheating. He talked about how a family member that he is extremely close to was screwed over in his marriage. The wife was unfaithful and when they divorced she took him for everything he had. Then he said the guy was making over $100,000 per year and he should have gotten a prenup. I said I understood however, I do not like the notion of those agreements because I feel like it is a plan to fail. So we went back and forth talking about our opinions about prenuptial agreements. He said he will not get married to or even consider dating a woman who is unwilling to sign a prenuptial agreement. Then, I told him that he is planning to fail however, I do understand that you need to acquire some type of protection in a relationship. I mentioned to him that I am not comfortable with the idea of prenups because I believe in marrying for love and that would make me feel as though I can't be trusted or I am a gold digger. He went right back at it again saying if you marry for love then having a prenup will not be a problem because you will never have to use it. So, I steered the conversation towards our relationship. I asked him, "What if I don’t want to sign a prenup". He replied, “Then this whole relationship is going to be a waste of time”. To me in my twisted mind this meant that our relationship can lead to marriage, or at least he might see it that way. He kept staring at me hard to see what I was thinking. So when we got back to his place I researched prenuptial agreements so that I can fully understand the use of them. I am still not to keen on the idea of planning to fail but, protecting yourself in case your partner turns out to be your worst nightmare, I like that part.

If in the future I were to sign a prenup I would want to make sure it is fair for both parties. What do you guys think about prenuptial agreements?  

Girls Night Out

It has been a long time coming. An old best friend of mine had finally had time to meet me for dinner. It was like a breath of fresh air to be around someone I could talk to and let loose. We went to this place in Hoboken called O'Niels which was pretty cool. The only problem I had with it was the fact that the restaurant was right across the street from the apartment of "somebody that I used to know". So I was hoping we didn't run into each other. While having we caught up on my life since we last hung out over a year ago. Even then we didn't have the real chance to talk because I was still recovering from my break up with my then boyfriend of 4 years whom she hated by the way. I told her about my experiences with dating for the first time in my life, going on vacation by myself for the first time, and meeting *Scott Pilgrim. The ex and I had been together since I was 19 so I never dated before. I told her about the guys I met and the dates I went on. I gave her every detail of my vacation in California. She was very interested in a specific someone who is just a nice friend. It brought back all those crazy memories I had long forgotten about since *Scott and I became serious. She was happy I had the chance to live, grow a little, and truly be happy. She filled me in on her drama with the group of friends we used to share too.

I hope that things get back to the way it used to be because I could really use a friend in my life that I can talk to and hang out with. We were best friends and of course life gets in the way but, it felt like we never missed a beat.

Forced to Open up

I can't stress enough how much I sit on my computer and write. I write instead of talking. Last night *Scott and I were laying in bed as I was writing in my journal. He attempted to angle himself into a position where he could see what I was writing. So I hid it every time. I asked him did he want to see what I had written and of course he said yes. As soon as I gave him a glimpse he snickered and I was immediately pissed off. I was upset that I was trying to share something with him and he laughed. Soon after a exchange of words happened. It wasn't an argument, it was more so me calling him a jerk repeatedly. Finally he said to me, "You would rather write on your stupid blog and in your journal than talk to me so don't talk to me now." At that moment I knew that he really wanted to be the person I talk to and confide in, not my blog or journal. Now, that doesn't mean I will stop writing, I will try my best to speak to him more about whatever. Somehow after that we got into a long conversation about our childhood. We talked about the television shows we used to watch. I felt special just talking to him and knowing that he wants to be there for me. I told him he is my favorite person in the world. He leaned over and gave me a million and one kisses.

Opening up

My life has been a roller coaster as of late. Stressing so much that I even lost weight. Nothing drastic but, enough to know I went down one pant size. I was discussing my feelings with my mom and step dad over lunch yesterday and they asked if I ever confide in *Scott. I answered, no. I don't recall a moment in my life where I have ever spoken to a significant other or even my parents about things I am struggling with. I have a habit of keeping things to myself and carrying on without asking for help unless I really, really, really need it. My parents were concerned about the fact that *Scott only sees one aspect of my life and I don't say much about my home life. They think that if I continue to keep parts of my life from him, good or bad, that he may eventually resent that or is left wondering "Who is this girl I am dating". My mother made it a point to question if he has ever confided in me, and he has. He had some things going on in his life that he wanted to keep to himself but, he told me, not his friends or family. She also said to me, "Christal, is he the guy you think you could spend you life with? If he is then you need to let him in. He would want to know if you're hurting, if something is stressing you out, he should be the person you want to lean on. Wouldn't you expect that from him?".

Then my step dad pulled me aside and said, "If you were my girlfriend I would be really upset with you. You are going through things right now and keeping that from him ...what else do you hide? What if he can help you through your rough times, and if he can't help he is willing to be there for you emotionally, what if he can offer you some guidance. Give him the benefit of the doubt."

So here I am. Waiting at his apartment, doing laundry while he is out making money. This is a challenge for me. I don't want him to look down on me or pity me. I want him to understand me, know that I am working hard for a better life and be that person I could say was there for me when things got rough. I told him last night I wanted to talk to him today. Of course he could not wait. He wanted to know everything immediately. Again, I gave him bits and pieces but I am prepared today to tell him about my life.

Party Poopers

We were caught. I thought our stealth moving would have worked this time but it didn’t. *Scott and I have a habit of showing up to our friend’s parties and ducking out without anyone seeing us. We did the same thing last week to his cousin who was having his 30^th birthday party at an exclusive club in the W Hotel. I am pretty sure we stayed there all of 30 minutes, which included the 15 minute wait to get in. When we arrived we circled the sardine packed club until we found the group of wild Asians. We said hello to the birthday boy who was in process of greeting everyone who joined him for the celebration and took pictures to have evidence of actually being there. *Scott and I to danc next to the V.I.P. section so that everyone could see us “partying”. When we dance with each other, boy oh boy does it get intense. Staring deep into each other’s eyes, grinding to the beat. Before the second song was over he whispered in my ears, “Wanna get outta here?”. I thought he would never ask because honestly, I wanted him bad! We scanned the V.I.P section to make sure no one was paying any attention to us and we got out of there pronto.

Fast forward to today. *Scott and I are lounging in bed trying to make plans to go outside when he get a text message. It was on of his friends telling him how upset his cousin was that we left his party after being there for 10 minutes. We both were shocked that we were caught and the first thing *Scott said was, “We have to blame it on you…I can say you were drunk or something”. Now, I would have been fine with that if we didn’t use that excuse for 3 other friends including the one who was texting him. I told him we should just have been honest. Can’t a man respect another man for trying to get laid? We can’t hide out now that we have been caught. I think whenever we go out now people are going to watch us. Oh well, we just like being with each other.