Jumping to Conclusions

Facebook. The place where relationships fall apart. You put your life out there and believe it or not, things can be easily misconstrued. Let’s go back 24 hours ago. I was sitting in *Scotts bed waiting for him to come home from work. We had met during his lunch break at the Chelsea Piers in Manhattan earlier that day. He went on Facebook and tagged us in a photo check-in. Some time later people began to comment on the post, one of which was a female friend of his who was going to the same place after work. He told her how great it was and they should do happy hour to catch up. Following that post a male friend of his posted the comment, “ar ar aroooooooooo” and he liked the comment. While reading that comment and the contents of the post I was under the impression that *Scott’s friend was insinuating that he was a dog. Isn’t that the noise dogs make? I was upset by this so I sent a message to *Scott telling him how I thought it was rude of him to like that comment.

Soon after we began to argue. He was pissed because I had jumped to a conclusion about his friends comment and then explained to me what it meant. I am ok with admitting that I am wrong but, I find it unhealthy to not say how you feel. I told him would he rather have me tell him something bothers me immediately or would he rather come home to me acting like a total bitch because I am keeping what I feel bottled up.

One hour later *Scott came home and didn’t say a word. When he gets upset it takes a while for him to take it down a notch. When he finally was ready to speak he asked me to explain to him what exactly I thought his friend meant by the comment, so I explained it to him. This only pissed him off more. Back and forth he went until he said the final words that took the cake, “You are suffocating me”. It was as if a ton of brick had come smashing down on me. My chest caved in and I began to cry harder than I have ever cried. How could this person I care about feel like I am suffocating him? I screamed, “Fine! I will give you space”, as my eyelashes began to peel off and mascara ran down my face. He asked me what did I mean by giving him space. I told him that I will no longer express my feelings to him be it good or bad, I will act like I don’t care. He didn’t like the idea of me acting like I don’t care and shutting him out. He ended the argument at that moment. I laid down in the bed and thought about the words he said to me. Words hurt, and as I wiped off what was left of my makeup I kept searching for the logical reason for him to use that word. I thought about what the definition of being a person who is suffocating was. I didn’t know what to think of myself then. How can this person make me feel like this? I listed my daily interactions with him to check if I matched the description.

Calls too much, no, I don’t do that. Sends texts a million times a day, no, not me. Not fitting the description only made it worse for me, it made me feel like the things I try to keep at bay is still too much for him. While driving myself crazy from over thinking he quietly laid behind me and held me tight. I can’t tell if he was holding me to make me feel better or if he was holding me to make him feel better. I could feel his heart beating so fast though, I knew he was bothered by the direction the argument had taken. He asked me to face him while attempting to wipe my tears. He kissed me on the forehead and held me so long I had to tell him to let me go. He told me he didn’t mean – I am suffocating, he meant – I was suffocating him in that moment. I asked him to no use words like that again because I will jump to a conclusion about what he means unless it is explained. He bought purchased Mexican food from my favorite restaurant and it was over. 

Asking your boyfriend for money

Whether it was appropriate or not would you ask your boyfriend for money? It is a given that you shouldn't ask someone you only have been dating for a few weeks or even months, but what about someone you have been with over a year?

I have been playing with the thought in my mind for the last 48 hours. Should I ask my boyfriend for a little help? With that being said, I recently ran into a major issue which prevented me from having enough money to pay my cell phone bill. I asked my mother of course but wasn't able to get help there and my good old dad just doesn't know how to answer his phone.

The next person I considered was *Scott but I feel like I shouldn't ask him for money. It wasn't like my cell phone bill is a lot of money and I am sure he has it, I just couldn't bring myself to asking that question. I'd let my phone get cut off and find a way to pay it for my self before putting myself in that position.

I don't want to be a burden to him and seem needy. Right now I am a full time student with little to no income so, when we are together he foots the bill 100% of the time. When I am able to I pay as well.

The first thing that comes to my mind is "GOLD DIGGER" and I don't want him to see me that way.

I do want to know if he is the type of person that is willing to help if I needed it though. He may have said it verbally but I am curious. Once I get back on track I promised myself that I would save enough money so that if anything goes wrong again I won't need to ask anyone for help.

Case of the Ex (boyfriend)

For a few years now my ex boyfriend from high school, I'm talking freshman/sophomore year, has been calling me and more recently sending letters. He is currently in prison for who knows what and had been there since maybe 2006 or 2007 I'm guessing. Since his incarceration he has been calling me once or twice a year. I only accepted his calls after being shamed into doing so by my sister and his brother. Back then a call would be about 2 minutes. He would ask how life is, what am I doing you know basic stuff. I felt sorry for him. This year he has stepped his game up, since I don't answer my phone anymore, he is now sending letters. The first letter went about the usual, asking how am I doing, him now apologizing for his treatment of me during high school, and telling me how he will be getting out soon. Now, I am not stupid, he think he is about to have some booty to come home to. Not only that.. he is sending my step sister letters too...seriously. Oh, but he forgot to mention that part in her letters. Where they do that at?

I did not respond to his letter, I figure the man in my life doesn't deserve me giving any attention to any other man no matter what the situation is. The next letter I received was an angry one. He was upset that I didn't write him back. He was supposedly waiting each day for a letter from me. Yeah, I laughed. In what lifetime does he think I will respond to that non sense?

Today, I get yet another letter. This time a physical card entitled "THINKING OF YOU --you came to my mind today- It happens all the time". Inside a picture of him, doing that ghetto ass jail pose. Inside he wrote :

Here's a little something for you from me. If this makes you feel uncomfortable send it back. (The pic, throw the card away). No hard feelings. I understand I have been waiting to hear back from you, but I see that's not likely to happen. Unless you plan on surprising me. Can't wait. Let everybody know I asked about them. And send my love. A gift from em to you. If I don't hear back from you Happy B-day Oct. 23


All I could do was shake my head while I read it. It has gotten to the point where I know I should tell *Scott about this. I can't imagine how I would feel if some ex of his would be sending him love letters even if he doesn't respond, I would want to know. Should I tell him about this?

The Awkward Black Girl

It seems that when I am alone I can come up with a million things I want to talk or write about. When I am put into a group of new people I tend to clam up and not speak at all. *Scott has made it his personal mission to put me into weird places when we are out where I have no choice to talk to people or sit alone. I am happy he has kicked me out the nest but, I still find myself struggling with conversations. This past weekend *Scott's best friend visited for the weekend with his girlfriend. I was excited and nervous all at once. I love the chance to meet new people but I always fail at the talking part. I was happy that we were able to keep up conversation but I don't know what to talk about with other girls. I haven't had a real girlfriend in years... what do you talk about with your girlfriends? With new friends what do you talk about? I hate being the person who always reaches out to try to get to know someone. I feel like I'm in kindergarden, ughhh.

Hangovers and Bar Fights

What a crazy week I had. It began last Thursday at a bar in NYC called No Idea. A friend of *Scott's was celebrating a job change. Being the social guy that *Scott is, he started the night by buying 10 rounds of Jameson, something I have never drank before. It felt like death going down my throat and what made it worse was the fact that I had only eaten breakfast that day and they didn't serve bar food. Next on the list for me was a blueberry stoli and 2 orange juice with vodkas. The next thing I remember was having *Scott's cousin escort me to the bathroom where I met 2 girls there and talked for a bit. I thought I was fine until I was being dragged out of the bar stumbling down the street to the diner then leaving my car because no one we partied with was in the condition to drive. Needless to say, I hurled 3 times that night and was hungover until Friday night.

Saturday night we decided to go out to another bar. We started off with shots and things got crazy from there. *Scott and I were dancing having a good time until some drunken guy comes by dancing all crazy and elbowed me in the eye. *Scott got pissed off but I told him to leave it alone. We continued to dance and not even five minutes later a guy in the same group as the person who elbowed me, spilled half his drink on me. When *Scott noticed he snatched the bottle of water I had out of my hands and poured it all over the guy. I was getting nervous by then. So I moved us to a different area. BIG MISTAKE. *Scott, his friends girlfriend and I were all dancing together until a guy tried to get past me and almost knocked me over. He then proceeded to change directions and bumps into *Scott so hard it almost knocked him over. *Scott turns around and pushed the guy into a bunch of people. The next thing you know they are in a pushing match. I jumped in between them screaming to them to stop. *Scott reaches around me and punched the guy in the back of the head. I was ready for all hell to break loose. I pushed *Scott back and then pushed the guy who disappeared into the crowd when the bouncers made their way to us. I was nervous for the entire night because *Scott was amped and ready to fight anyone who touched him. Yet, it was a little hot too seeing him like that.

We have more partying to do this weekend.. with a group of even wilder guys. Hopefully no fights.

How to Balance a Girlfriend and Social Life

I ask myself when I am visiting *Scott's house, " am I interrupting something?". I know that he enjoys spending time with me and I enjoying spending time with him but, when I think back to the beginning of our relationship I can't help to think I have "ruined" his social life. Friday nights for him used to be happy hour and bars until 2 or 3 am. Now his Friday nights are composed of us going to dinner and catching a movie at his place. I had to learn to give him enough space to have fun without me. Now, I still get jealous every now and then because I always miss him.
I feel as though some guys can balance having both however, it is their girlfriends who are holding them back. The last thing you want to do is make your man feel smothered and distant from his friends. Guys need guy time to drink and be manly just as much as us women need to have brunch with our besties. So this how-to I came up with is not for men, it is for women.

1. Be flexible - *Scott and I have our weekends dedicated to each other because we do not live in the same state. Before I travel I ask him if he has any plans to make. Last week for example, he forgot about a dinner he had planned with his cousin. When speaking about my arrival I offered to come a day later so that he could hang out. I let him know we see each other quite often and I would not be hurt by not attending. By not crowding his space I allowed him to do something he wanted to do and when you aren't smothering your partner that makes them want you around. **I got invited for drinks following his dinner because he missed me.

2. Try not to be jealous and/or needy- I know it is so hard with today's social media not to know your boyfriends every step. You don't have to know everything he is doing every second. If he is out, don't invite yourself. *Scott has a habit of going out after work on occasion and posting his location on foursquare. I would get upset sometimes that I can't go or that he didn't tell me he is out. Keep in mind, you are not his mother so he doesn't have to check in with you. It is a huge turn off for men. Get yourself a life so you won't have to be so concerned with what he is doing every minute.

3. Don't take it personal - Just because he wants to have a night to himself doesn't mean he doesn't care, he just wants to lay around and do man things. Taking offense to him having "me" time can make you look needy and needy is never good.

I know I have guy readers so.. what am I missing? Ladies I would love to know what you would add.

How to Not Impress Parents pt. 2

One thing I like about *Scott is the fact that he is a gentlemen. When we arrived at the BBQ buffet he and his dad rushed to the doors to open them for his mother and I. I thought that was so sweet. At the table his parents sat across from us, of course I was directly across from his mother. The waitress came to get our drink orders and hand us utensils and nervousness settled in again. His father told us to go get food but normally *Scott serves me because he knows the best items to get. I got up anyway so I wouldn't get caught in a weird place. Once the food hit the grill the conversations started. Most of it was geared towards the trips *Scott and I have taken this summer and his new job at a major company. I just stuffed my face, smiled, and threw in the occasional "uh huh, oh yeahhhh" so it seemed like I was apart of the conversation. Everything was fine until *Scott and his father decided to take a little bathroom break. I just didn't know what to say. Have you ever had the moment where you have so much you want to ask or talk about but the words would not leave your lips? Yeah, that was me. His mother and I sat in silence for a few minutes until I said, "This ice cream is so good". Just then his father returned and began talking to me about school. When *Scott returned his dad whipped out his camera to take pictures of us together. I tried to stay out of it but his mother insisted I take one. That made me a little happy inside knowing that I would be apart of their permanent memories. When it was time to go I thanked them for dinner and gave them hugs. I actually wanted to stay longer and hang out with them but we had to head back to NYC so that *Scott can rest for work.
I don't know if I impressed them this time around but they know I am not going anywhere.

How to Not Impress Parents pt. 1

I wish there was a go to guide on how to impress parents. Before going away for *Scott's birthday he told me that we are going to have lunch/dinner with his parents after our mini vacation. It isn't like I haven't met them before, this time is just different. Different because I have not had a chance to be around his mother for more than 10 minutes.
The morning of lunch/dinner I picked out a classy outfit. I had to go with something that was a mix of fun and sexy. One thing I do know about meeting parents is always dressing well and look as good as possible. When we arrived at his parents home later that afternoon, we were greeted by his dad who was watering the lawn. When we walked inside his mom met us at the door. Of course, *Scott ran up to his bedroom to pick up a few things and left his mother and I alone.
I took the liberty of sitting myself down in the living room and began talking to her about the white water rafting trip *Scott and I took. I then asked her about the piano they had in the living room. Fail. Fail. Fail. She asked me if I could play some music for her. Did I mention FAIL. I get so nervous when people watch me. She stood over me as I attempted to play a song. It was awful. I was missing notes and my hands where shaking. I continued to shake until she walked away. Once my nervousness wore off I played pretty darn good. She yelled around the corner for me to play louder so she could hear it upstairs. I pretended I didn't hear that. It is nothing like hearing your mistakes in surround sound. As soon as I started to get in my zone, everyone was finally ready to go to dinner.

Is he cheating?

It is the scary question every woman asks herself when she has a man. At the very beginning of my relationship with *Scott I was not insecure at all. Reason? We were just dating and I was openly seeing other men until one day he told me not to. Once our relationship became serious I began questioning his loyalty to me. Any relationship can be scary but, when you are dating interracially it can bring out a different level of insecurity.
The number one insecurity in my book was other women! You see, when you are dating someone who doesn't date people from other backgrounds you know where to keep your focus. When dating a guy who obviously doesn't have a racial preference you start to look at every girl. Does he like her? Did he check her out? The competition is not on the same playing field. You know how some guys say, "Oh, you are pretty for a black girl". Well yeah, I know I am pretty damn hot, and in my eyes I look better than every black girl. Not in a literal sense but I have confidence. When you throw in other Asian women, or white women, Indian or Middle Eastern women, where do I fit in? Am I still the prettiest in his eyes? When I met his female friends, who are all beautiful, I wondered if he would cheat on me with on of them.
I had to evaluate my feelings time and time again. Then one day while sleeping next to him he rolled over and wrapped his arms around me and kissed me. The way he held me gave me the best feeling in the world. I had to learn to trust him. I had to trust the fact that he could be anywhere but he is here with me. He asked me to come over, he wants to spend time with me, and I am the girl he wants to bring to home to his parents.
What insecurities do you have?

Interracial Marriage

Education and marriage go hand in hand. It has been a personal goal of mine to become educated so that I can not only have a great future, but I can be marketable to a different pool of men. I learned while dating that many men who are financially stable and are educated don't even consider women who aren't established. That doesn't mean that a woman pursuing her education is out of the question though.  When I decided to embark on a relationship with my boyfriend I knew that my education was going to be a huge factor. You have to think, "What can I bring to this relationship other than sex?".  To top it all off, I am in an interracial relationship. I am dating a guy that is very established and honestly, what kind of partner would I be if I cannot provide for him as well.

I hope that my efforts do lead to marriage because I feel it is extremely important. I do not want to be apart of the 76% of black women who are not married. I also read on BFIM that only 10% of births out of wedlock are from educated women. Which means that I have a better chance of providing a stable home for my future children because I am educated and would in turn be more marketable to successful men. Thoughts?

So this is the official first post of Love, Sex, and Other Shit, a little extension of my tumblr page. I hope that you all find this more exciting and perhaps more detailed. Enjoy!