Jealous of My Ex

Last week I was contacted by my ex *Haiti. He called to inform me that he finally moved out of the apartment we shared and wanted to let me know that he has a few things of mine that I can come by and get when I get the time to. I was pretty shocked at our comfort with conversation with one another but it was pretty cool. We caught up on life events and everything was fine until he dropped a bomb on me, well I asked and he told. He is engaged. Of course I congratulated him and I am genuinely happy for him. However, in the days following I became upset with myself and my life. I had always expected to be more successful and engaged to be married, and the fact that he was got to me. I don’t want him in anyway, I just kinda wanted what he had.

So after walking around upset *Scott asked me to talk to him because he can feel when I am upset. I put it off until we were out for a night walk this past Saturday and I tried to explain to him how I felt. Someone should of told me not to have this conversation. It was eating me alive though. For some reason he took me being jealous of my ex being engaged as me being unhappy in our relationship and with him. He blew up from there. I didn’t know how to defuse the situation. I tried a million ways to explain it and it wasn’t working. Somewhere in the conversation he said it’s like he doesn’t know me. So I replied by telling him ”Since you don’t know me, I’m taking back my I love you.” The conversation turned into an argument quickly after. I didn’t know how it got there but I tried to find the right words to let him know that I am happy.  Tearfully, I told him, I am happy, and I care for him deeply however, I am always afraid in this relationship because I feel like he can just walk away any second. Having the commitment of being married lets me know that he will try and not walk away so easy. That’s what I am jealous of. I told him, I really am not ready for marriage right now but I always imagined my life would happen in a specific order and it isn’t happening that way.

We calmed down after I was able to articulate my words in a more affective way. The fact of the matter is; I am very happy with *Scott, no matter how insecure I get, deep down I know that he loves me and we will get married when we both are ready.

The next day at mass I really felt the need to pray about my insecurities and cry it out. I felt good after that.