Lazy Weekend Update

I been so busy my head is spinning. Between entertaining family after the death of my grandmother and school. I need a break. Spring break is coming up, Finally!! *Scott and I are doing just fine. I feel like I want to kick it up a notch and start cooking. Since we are both trying to get fit for our cruise in May, eating out has to be limited. This coming weekend *Scott has to work on Saturday and possibly Sunday but he still wants me to come over. So during his business hours I will study and make a great meal. I felt horrible because I had promised *Scott I would make him breakfast but didn’t. I was exhausted after little sleep and morning sex. I knew he was a little upset too. He was looking forward to a great breakfast and I ruined it. I stormed out of his apartment and sat in my car and cried. When he met me he said, “Well, don’t tell me something that I can look forward to”. I was balling. I was upset with myself and perhaps overly dramatic. Give me a break, my aunt flow is due. So, this weekend I am shopping ahead of time and preplanning meals to make it up. I feel like every weekend I fall in love with him all over again. 

BitterSweet

Happy Valentines Day!! Today is bittersweet for me.  I lost my Great Grandma last night. It was a natural death and she was 92, would have been 93 on Saturday. I am not all sad and distraught though. Because of this however, I had to cancel my plans with *Scott to be with family. I really hate spending time away from him so this weekend will be somewhat tough for me but I think I will be busy with school work and being around family. He is like my family so I wish I could have him there for everything. But! We aren’t married yet so some things I have to do on my own. I didn’t buy him a gift anyways. I was planning on cooking a nice dinner. I might be going out for my sisters’ birthday this weekend with my family too. This should be interesting if we go to the city. My brother has requested to meet *Scott. My brother isn’t intimidating at all. He is younger, but he is really tall. We will see. 

I Opened My Mouth

Yesterday morning I couldn’t hold it in any longer. *Scott had woke up and cooked us breakfast and as I sat at the table my mind began to rush. Next thing I know “I need to talk to you” spilled out of my mouth.  There was no turning back. It felt like an eternity trying to search for the right words. I started telling him why I was nervous about the cruise and how I wasn’t confident in our relationship. The first thing he says “So you are not going on the cruise? Let me know.” He was getting angry and I could tell that I needed to make my feelings as clear as possible without crying in order for him to understand. I struggled on telling him pretty much what I wrote here to you guys. He told me that he expects me to be with him forever and a day to take his bullshit. He purposefully was over dramatic the night we had a huge fight and that I look really pitiful when I cry. Yeah, I know that I am an ugly crier … in the Kim Kardashian way.

It took forever to get that out of him. He told me how he doesn’t like to talk about feelings and he’d rather show. I let him know that on occasion I need a little bit of both.  Leaving me to fill in the blanks I asked him “So you are completely confident in our relationship because you never expect us to break up?” He say’s, “Yup!” I continued, “I always get worried when I feel like you can walk away at any minute .”  By the end of the conversation I figured out where his head and heart is with the little that he said. What I see is what I get. I see that he cares for me and shows me so much more love than I could ever expect a man to give a woman. I also congratulated him on keeping his cool about me questioning the cruise. I was expecting him to blow THEEE fuck up but he didn’t. I know that I tend to over react to things. I am trying not to. I can’t wait to see what the future has in store for us!

Time to Think

So I had a week to breath and think about everything.  I was nothing short of mentally exhausted between that and school. I talked to my mother about my concerns about going on the cruise. She feels like I am purposely sabotaging my relationship. I don’t think so. She feels like I shouldn’t be concerned about going on the cruise because I would have be ok if *Scott’s friends haven’t had broken up with their girlfriends and then confided in me, ultimately causing me to doubt my own relationship. This may be true but, isn’t ok to look at my relationship objectively? So after my week of thought I have decided not to think about a future with *Scott. The more I think about it, the more I expect. I don’t want to get my hopes up high just for them to be shut down in an instant. I have also mentally prepared myself to leave him at any moment. Which again brings me to this cruise. With such an uncertain future with *Scott I don’t feel 100% comfortable taking this trip. Will I feel different in a few months? I don’t know. Are my fears worth canceling a dream vacation? I really appreciate comments and messages I get on my blog and tumblr. You guys are like an extra set of sisters and a couple of brothers that can give things a fresh set of eyes and be unbiased.