Confused

This weekend has been weird for me. I wasn’t with *Scott as per usual. I spent the weekend shooting the web series I am in called “Vampz!”. For the first time this weekend was easy for me to be without *Scott. I feel like after I had time to sit and think about the events of this past week, I don’t know if I really want to go on the cruise with him anymore. I feel like I want to take a step back from us and going on a major vacation out of the country is a big deal to me. I want first time I leave off of the continent of North America to be either by myself, with my family, or the man I truly love. I have been questioning my feelings for *Scott and over evaluating our relationship over and over again. I try my best to keep my blog as honest as possible but, there are some things that are major I keep to myself. Saturday morning I sat for a few minutes on set writing exactly how I feel about my relationship with *Scott. The real feelings I have held onto deep inside. After rereading what I wrote, I didn’t like most of it.

I am the type of person who needs to know where a relationship is headed. How the person I am with really feels. Good or bad. I want security in my life. I want to get married. I want to grow old with my best friend and lover. In my mind, I am not young. I am getting older by the day. I want my fairy tale. I have come to the conclusion this weekend that I am not afraid to leave *Scott to find the security and love I am looking for. My biggest fear right now is that my heart will start looking elsewhere. That has always come easy for me in any relationship that I have been in. There are guys that are after my heart. Some have gone through great lengths to take me away from *Scott and some who have decided to cut me out of their lives because they know they can love me the way I deserve. I have written plenty of times about how much I care about *Scott and I love how he treats me. I love being with him and yes, I am in love with him. I have to be calculated with my heart. I need to hear AND feel that he loves me. The worst part is that my relationship deadline was May. If I felt by that time that *Scott and I were not going to have a future together then I would breakup with him if we have not done so already. This cruise has messed everything up. I am confused now. 

Saying I love you

It is so hard to write when I am at *Scott’s apartment. He wants to be able to read what I write. So that’s where it all began. While putting up my previous post *Scott asked can he read it. I didn’t. From there our night turned into an epic downfall. *Scott was planning on going out with his friend that night. He didn’t give me a heads up on his plans and for some reason that infuriated me. As minutes passed I got angrier at the fact that I would be sitting in his apartment alone on a Friday night. If he would have told me ahead of time I could have prepared a fun night in with myself or invited my girls out for drinks. When his roommate ran through the apartment saying he was sorry he was late, I knew that this was planned and I couldn’t take it. His friend *Swed said, “She must be on her period.” Oh no he didn’t. That is possibly the worst thing you could say to a woman. I went from 0 to 60. *Scott had left with *Swed to go get food and during that time I quickly put together a night out before I do something I would regret. I didn’t want to be rude in front of his friends, as much as possible, and I didn’t want to ruin his night out. So, I sent his a text while he was out asking how long he would be. I wanted to get his keys so I could go out. He followed up by asking me what was wrong. “YOU..however, I will talk to you about this later because I don’t want to ruin your night” is what I replied. The next message I received took me from 60 to100. He said, “You should go home if you are going to act this way”. So in that very moment I packed my things and left. To my car anyway. I sat there thinking… is this how we end? I sent him another message saying that we needed to talk. So 2 minutes later he comes storming down the street towards me. He asked me why I was outside. I told him I was there because you told me to leave. He had a look of surprise on his face, “So you really packed your stuff?”. He turned around and walked away from me. I quickly followed behind telling him he shouldn’t walk away. He blew THEEEEEE fuck up. In the streets of New York City, we looked like some ghetto couple straight out the hood fighting. He asked me while yelling what was my blog post about and what did his friend tell me in the bar to have me acting this way. He continued to yell for answers until I exploded. I told him that I was sad about his friend and jealous that he told his girlfriend he loved her and that I was told not to tell him that I love him. Finally silence. For a few minutes in the freezing cold we sat in front of his building door. I couldn’t help but cry. He look at me and said I don’t know whether to let you come in or not. Meaning, after hearing how you feel, I have the choice to acknowledge you true feelings or let you go. He asked me again for more details. Forcing me to repeat that I loved him. I then told him how I wanted to hear him say that to me one day. Did I want to hear it in that moment? Absolutely not, I wanted him to say it when he is ready. He goes on about if he didn’t feel that way then why would we always be together etc etc. I said that doesn’t mean anything without the words. He sat in silence again. “Do you want to go inside” he finally said. I didn’t know if I was happy or sad that he didn’t say he loved me. I want him to say it when he feels like he can’t hold it in any longer. When the feeling of loving me and being in love with me is bursting at the seams. The following day he woke up extremely sick. So for the last 4 days I have been running around getting meds and soup. He has been staring at me weirdly again. In a way that lets me know that he truly loves me. He let me know how happy he was to have me here and surprised me by booking a cruise last night. We will be going with his best friend *Lonely boy and *K to the Bahamas for 8 days. He has never held me as much as he has during these days. So after this, am I desperate to hear those words when I feel it? No. His friend felt those words and they broke up. *Scott and I are going almost 2 years strong. I want to keep us this way.

Can Love Ruin a Relationship?

I tend to over react I swear. Last night *Scott and I went to happy hour at No Idea, the same place I got completely trashed a few months back. He wanted to go out to support his friend *Vee who had just ended his relationship with his girlfriend. Drinking is not the way to solve anything but hey, I wont turn down a night out. *Vee began to spill his guts about his relationship. I felt really bad about it because I thought his girlfriend was something special to have tied him down. In the end, in my opinion, she was super needy and likes to play mind games. She wanted to play miss independent role and would get upset with him when she really wants him to be up in her ass and chase her. Somehow I ended up getting drunk and therefore emotional. He told me how he told her he loved her and she didn’t say it back. When I heard that I instantly got upset because *Scott has yet to say those three magic words to me. How is it that in 4 months *Vee has been with his girl he could truly tell her how he feels and  Scott has never uttered the words to me and we have been together 20 times longer. Keep in mind I am drunk and emotional (De you better not be laughing at me if you read this). All I could do is replay that in my mind over and over again.  I told *Vee that I can only reason I can think he never said it to me was because he had been hurt before. Maybe he told an old girlfriend that he loved her and they broke his heart. It also made me think about my recent story about his roommate who’s girlfriend at the time told him she loved him and he didn’t say it back to her. They have been together longer them *Scott and I. All I could think about his that he was using her. You know how you feel for someone and it doesn’t take years to figure it out. When you tell someone you love them that doesn’t mean, “lets get married tomorrow”. It means that you care for them on a deeper level. Now does that change the dynamic of the relationship? Perhaps. Now the hardest part is *Scott wants to read this. If he does that can change things between us if he doesn’t love me. Why? .. I would just feel like a friend to him and that scares me. I prefer to ride off into the sunset in ignorant bliss than to have this conversation with him. Thoughts? 

Feeling some way

Sometimes I have to sit back and look at my relationship. While watching the Knicks play last night *Scott and I sat on the sofa intertwined. I am going to be honest with myself and let you all in on something that has been bothering me. After being in a relationship with my ex for 4 year I feel like the memory of him consumes me. I constantly compare my relationships. I feel like I am afraid that what *Scott and I have just cannot be real sometimes. We are coming close to our 2-year anniversary and in my previous relationship I didn’t experience what I can say is as beautiful. Getting showered with the amount of love and affection that I get from *Scott is just amazing and surreal to me. I want to tell him I love him everyday. I have to catch the words before they leave my mouth. Isn’t it a man’s place to say it? If everything goes how I plan, I want to try to surprise him with a weekend vacation somewhere. Even though we occasionally fight he is the best person in my life right now.

Guess who's coming to dinner.. AGAIN!

Happy New Year! I had an eventful week. On New Years Eve *Scott and I had lunch with his family in Chinatown (NYC).  *Scott, his cousin, and I caught a cab from their apartment to Peking Duck house, a pretty nice restaurant. When we arrived I was greeted by *Scott’s mom, sister, two aunts, his uncle, and dad. Nervous wasn’t the word. I had met everyone except for one of his aunts who appeared very stern when I walked up to her to introduce myself. However, she greeted me with really big hug and smile. Over lunch the family showed me how to make my own wraps filled with some brown sauce, duck, and veggies. I felt like a loser and *Scott dug in forgetting to show me how to make it. Everyone laughed while trying to show me how they make their own individual wraps trying to figure out the best one. I really felt comfortable, as in, I didn’t feel like the black girl with a bunch of Asian people. After dinner we went for a walk through Chinatown to get pastries and bubble tea. *Scott and I decided to stay in for the night and play video games. When it was close to midnight his cousin and his lady friend joined us for pizza and hookah. We took shots of Jameson and popped a bottle of champagne, which was nasty as all hell. Of course we kissed at midnight and I hope we get to do that again another year. On New Years day his family returned. This time I was nervous because I didn’t want them to know I stayed over. *Scott didn’t care because we said Happy New Years to them at midnight over the phone so he assumed they knew. We took a semi long drive to a Chinese buffet in Long Island. Again, I had fun. His cousin and I made jokes with his aunts. Then the dreaded question came up; how did you guys meet? I was so caught off guard when his aunt asked me that. *Scott was off getting more food so he couldn’t save me. So made up our story on the spot, “oh, we met through our mutual friend at a party.” I hope I remember that later. Did I mention that they took a lot of pictures? Like of everything. I will share one… don’t go re-blogging this. I really find it uncomfortable.

Boring Christmas

Christmas was fun. My grandmother and her sisters came up from South Carolina to spend time with us. My grandmother and I shopped pretty much every single day. Bath and body works is having their big sale so I had to go a little crazy. Everyone got what they wanted for Christmas. I only asked for a Sigma brush set. We had family and friends over for Christmas dinner, which I hate. I really would prefer. I was a little upset that my cousin did show up to see our grandmother. Our immediate family is small, as in just my grandmother, my mom and her three children and my aunt and her son. Oh well! During the time we spent together my sisters decided to “read” each other. When it came to them reading me they said that they feel like I don’t care about my family and I choose being around *Scott more than them. According to them, all of my family members that are close to my age feel this way.  So I told them exactly how I felt. Personally, I have always been the way I am. I was never around my family 24/7. I did live on my own for 4 years and have only been back with my family for a year and a half. I like to get out and do things with my life and I don’t find it fun sitting around doing a bunch of nothing with anyone. I promised them that I would attempt to show my face more often at boring events…. Maybe. Of course I missed *Scott during our little break from each other. One year we might be able to spend Christmas together.  Why did I think this would be more exciting to write about? 

What I was up to

 Where do I start!??? Last Time I wrote I was writing about the Manny P. fight. Well, *Scott is still salty over it. Since then I have been so focused on finals I barely had time for anything personal. *Scott and I have been on a super chill mode since he purchased his PS3. Literally every weekend of December I was playing games with him. On the 17^th I gave *Scott his super late birthday gift which were a pair of tickets to see the NY Knicks play at Madison Square Garden. I made sure I got the most expensive tickets I could afford to buy. We got to see Jeremy Lin play a bit too. However, they lost that game. I was pissed off. Spending nearly $500 for the night and they lost… I wanted to knock someone out. The good part about that night was that he surprised me with my very own Knicks jersey. He got my favorite player Iman Shumpert. Shumpert is currently injured but I still love him. After that I spent the week at his place playing house girlfriend while his roommates left for the holidays. I cooked and ordered out a lot. I was upset that we didn’t have a bunch of wild crazy sex. I was too tired from studying to think about it. I think I need a sexy weekend away with him.

He ended the weekend by taking me out to a nice Italian restaurant called Tony’s in Times Square. He made sure I dressed nice because he wanted to wear a blazer and a tie. When we arrived I rushed to the door and grabbed it because I was freezing. Little did I know, that would lead to a little fight. *Scott grabbed the door right after I did and said, “Don’t ever do that again!” Yes, he was pissed off because I opened the door. He said that I emasculated him by doing that, especially since we were in a nice restaurant. So from now on I cannot open doors when he is around. Such a gentlemen. He makes the cutest face when he gets upset.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I'm back and I have loads of things to write about. This holiday season was a lot of fun. I got to spend time with my family and some of *Scotts too. I think I have a couple of pictures to share as well. I will have these posts up by the weekend so come back !!!