Saying I love you

It is so hard to write when I am at *Scott’s apartment. He wants to be able to read what I write. So that’s where it all began. While putting up my previous post *Scott asked can he read it. I didn’t. From there our night turned into an epic downfall. *Scott was planning on going out with his friend that night. He didn’t give me a heads up on his plans and for some reason that infuriated me. As minutes passed I got angrier at the fact that I would be sitting in his apartment alone on a Friday night. If he would have told me ahead of time I could have prepared a fun night in with myself or invited my girls out for drinks. When his roommate ran through the apartment saying he was sorry he was late, I knew that this was planned and I couldn’t take it. His friend *Swed said, “She must be on her period.” Oh no he didn’t. That is possibly the worst thing you could say to a woman. I went from 0 to 60. *Scott had left with *Swed to go get food and during that time I quickly put together a night out before I do something I would regret. I didn’t want to be rude in front of his friends, as much as possible, and I didn’t want to ruin his night out. So, I sent his a text while he was out asking how long he would be. I wanted to get his keys so I could go out. He followed up by asking me what was wrong. “YOU..however, I will talk to you about this later because I don’t want to ruin your night” is what I replied. The next message I received took me from 60 to100. He said, “You should go home if you are going to act this way”. So in that very moment I packed my things and left. To my car anyway. I sat there thinking… is this how we end? I sent him another message saying that we needed to talk. So 2 minutes later he comes storming down the street towards me. He asked me why I was outside. I told him I was there because you told me to leave. He had a look of surprise on his face, “So you really packed your stuff?”. He turned around and walked away from me. I quickly followed behind telling him he shouldn’t walk away. He blew THEEEEEE fuck up. In the streets of New York City, we looked like some ghetto couple straight out the hood fighting. He asked me while yelling what was my blog post about and what did his friend tell me in the bar to have me acting this way. He continued to yell for answers until I exploded. I told him that I was sad about his friend and jealous that he told his girlfriend he loved her and that I was told not to tell him that I love him. Finally silence. For a few minutes in the freezing cold we sat in front of his building door. I couldn’t help but cry. He look at me and said I don’t know whether to let you come in or not. Meaning, after hearing how you feel, I have the choice to acknowledge you true feelings or let you go. He asked me again for more details. Forcing me to repeat that I loved him. I then told him how I wanted to hear him say that to me one day. Did I want to hear it in that moment? Absolutely not, I wanted him to say it when he is ready. He goes on about if he didn’t feel that way then why would we always be together etc etc. I said that doesn’t mean anything without the words. He sat in silence again. “Do you want to go inside” he finally said. I didn’t know if I was happy or sad that he didn’t say he loved me. I want him to say it when he feels like he can’t hold it in any longer. When the feeling of loving me and being in love with me is bursting at the seams. The following day he woke up extremely sick. So for the last 4 days I have been running around getting meds and soup. He has been staring at me weirdly again. In a way that lets me know that he truly loves me. He let me know how happy he was to have me here and surprised me by booking a cruise last night. We will be going with his best friend *Lonely boy and *K to the Bahamas for 8 days. He has never held me as much as he has during these days. So after this, am I desperate to hear those words when I feel it? No. His friend felt those words and they broke up. *Scott and I are going almost 2 years strong. I want to keep us this way.