Break up to Make up

What a stressful weekend.

Let’s start with me being excited as usual to see *Scott after work last Friday. When I arrived at *Scott’s place he jumped in my car looking for our teddy bear that we call our child. We share custody, and it was my turn to bring him to *Scott’s to stay the week. I realized that I forgot our “Moomin baby” and he got pretty pissed. So I got pissed that I left it, and even more pissed that it seemed as though he was more excited about seeing our baby than to see me.

I was having a pretty stressful week and I didn’t tell him yet, so adding this on was more than enough. As soon as we got in his place I jumped in the shower and broke down crying. I was just exhausted from life. I had no time to vent because we were headed out to dinner with his sister. Of course we played nice at dinner as much as possible but it was pretty evident that I was mentally not there.

Once we were back at him place I opened the flood gates and told him how I have been feeling.

I have been jealous that he has been having a life outside of me. If you guys don’t know, I work in finance and I am studying to get my series 7 license and taking classes online. So when I say I have no time for life, I really don’t.

I also let him know about some troubles at home. That I will save for another post.

After that I told him how much I wanted to spice up our relationship and … for the lack of better words..FUCK MORE.

I felt relieved that he was understanding. Too bad I could do much since aunt flow was visiting. I told him that I might make a booty call this week.

Our Saturday was fun. I went shopping and we went out for dinner, biking, and ice cream. Sunday turned out to be a horrible day.

The NY Giants lost their 5^th game in a row and *Scott’s best friend and his girlfriend broke up. *Since the girlfriend *K and I are super close I was heart broken. I mean we were both crying on the phone together. I hope that they can work things out.

Until next time!

Im back!

Well damn, where have I been? On a mental break. I don’t even remember when I wrote last however, I am glad to say I am back. There were a lot of things going on in my life that I wish I could share with you all but some things must be kept private. Before you ask … *Scott and I are still together.

I wish that statement could be more exciting. It seems as though we have gotten ourselves into a relationship rut. I want more excitement and he, on the other hand, is happy with the way things are. I want to go out more, socialize more, have more SEX. Yes, more sex. I could remember back in the good old days… sex 3 times a day (on the weekends). Now that we are a more “seasoned” couple .. well, we aren’t getting busy that much any more. It is different now. I have a full time job and I am no longer the spring chicken / college girl I used to be. *Scott has been working crazy hours, including weekends, which puts a damper on the energy we can spare. Sometimes I wish we were spontaneous enough to just go to the bathroom at a sports bar and get busy right there.

Now, I am not the one to hold back my feelings. I told *Scott that I am concerned that our sex life is dwindling. He is not concerned about it at all. I even offered to come over during the weekday for a quickie.

I need a girls night out or something.  Who wants to hang!!

Until next time. 

Double Dates and Family Dinners

I had the most amazing weekend. No fighting just hugs and kisses. Friday after work my sister and I headed to NYC for to get Brazilian and full legs waxed. It was a shirt visit so I convinced her to join *Scott and I for dinner at 5 Tacos. I swear I eat there too much. I was hoping we would have fun but, my sister is a bit of a cornball. She didn’t talk much because she was tired from work that day. It didn’t bother me much. I like hanging out with here even if it was for a few minutes. If the environment permitted I was going to try to convince her to break up with her boyfriend. That, I will have to save for another entry. Before I knew it *Scott and I were in bed by 10 and snoring. As I had mentioned before, I am getting to be tired a lot. The next day I convince *Scott to go out shopping with me for work clothes. I also wanted to stop to this store called MUJI so that I can look at some makeup storage cases. To my surprise he said yes. Lucky for us the weather wasn’t too horrible. We spend a few hours out at Marshalls, TJ Maxx, and H&M. He picked out a few pants for me to wear to work. I was excited about that.  Once hunger set in we need to get something to eat fast. We hopped in a cab and went down to 7^th street to get Indian food at Raj Mahal. I love eating there. They play cool music and the food is always amazing. We order samosa’s, chicken tikimasala, sag paneer, and some sizzling chicken. Needless to say we had enough left over’s for a 2^nd or 3^rd meal. The day had flown by so we headed back to his place to watch movies and prepare for our next day.

Sunday, the day I wanted to avoid. *Scott had set us up on double dates with his old college roommate. I didn’t want to wake up early to go but there was no avoiding it. Around noon we headed to lunch at Kambi, a ramen restaurant near *Scott’s house. I was nervous but I tried to talk a lot. I really don’t know what to ask other girls. I am weird like that I guess. I pretty much sat and let the guys talk and laughed at a few things here and there. Awkward lunch to say the least. The next stop on our trip was MOMA. Again, I was not excited about this museum in particular. However, I knew the rain exhibit was there so that was the only thing to look forward to. I think we spent about an hour walking around talking and making jokes about the art and trying to touch things without getting caught before we gave up. We headed outside to see the Rain exhibit only to find that they closed off the line to walk under the rain.. we had to go around it and watch other people have the most fun. Still, it was rather boring. Somehow this double date continued. Next stop, ice cream near the Museum of Natural History. I would have been more excited to go to that museum. It was an ice cream truck called the ”CoolHaus” I got ice cream for the cheap price of $6. I wasn’t impressed with the taste of the patron ice-cream and cookies. I wish there was a list of recommended mixes so that I wouldn’t struggle figuring it out. On top of that the ice cream melted within 2 minutes. A total waste in my opinion. I was happy to find out we were leaving but the guys still tried to figure out if they wanted to do anything else. I was screaming no in my head. I was tired and knew that our day was not ending there. The guys got the hint and we said our goodbyes. *Scott and I caught the train to his sister’s apartment in the financial district. We were meeting her then heading to Jersey City to have dinner with his parents. His sister was treating since she got her first pay check as a Doctor. I have a good time with her and we made plans to go do other things, like shopping of course. We had dinner at a Vietnamese place, and the food was good. *Scott and his mom ordered so much food it almost couldn’t fit on our table. We talked about random stuff for about an hour or so. Dinner with his sister is always more interesting. She brings out the life in their mom who is often reserved. I love his dad of course. He always talks to me. After dinner we walked the parents to their car and talked about *Scotts birthday weekend. They want to go to the Poconos and have plans on renting a house there.  The next thing on my list, Pocono plans for *Scotts birthday. Until next time something interesting happens to me, PEACE!

Jealous of My Ex

Last week I was contacted by my ex *Haiti. He called to inform me that he finally moved out of the apartment we shared and wanted to let me know that he has a few things of mine that I can come by and get when I get the time to. I was pretty shocked at our comfort with conversation with one another but it was pretty cool. We caught up on life events and everything was fine until he dropped a bomb on me, well I asked and he told. He is engaged. Of course I congratulated him and I am genuinely happy for him. However, in the days following I became upset with myself and my life. I had always expected to be more successful and engaged to be married, and the fact that he was got to me. I don’t want him in anyway, I just kinda wanted what he had.

So after walking around upset *Scott asked me to talk to him because he can feel when I am upset. I put it off until we were out for a night walk this past Saturday and I tried to explain to him how I felt. Someone should of told me not to have this conversation. It was eating me alive though. For some reason he took me being jealous of my ex being engaged as me being unhappy in our relationship and with him. He blew up from there. I didn’t know how to defuse the situation. I tried a million ways to explain it and it wasn’t working. Somewhere in the conversation he said it’s like he doesn’t know me. So I replied by telling him ”Since you don’t know me, I’m taking back my I love you.” The conversation turned into an argument quickly after. I didn’t know how it got there but I tried to find the right words to let him know that I am happy.  Tearfully, I told him, I am happy, and I care for him deeply however, I am always afraid in this relationship because I feel like he can just walk away any second. Having the commitment of being married lets me know that he will try and not walk away so easy. That’s what I am jealous of. I told him, I really am not ready for marriage right now but I always imagined my life would happen in a specific order and it isn’t happening that way.

We calmed down after I was able to articulate my words in a more affective way. The fact of the matter is; I am very happy with *Scott, no matter how insecure I get, deep down I know that he loves me and we will get married when we both are ready.

The next day at mass I really felt the need to pray about my insecurities and cry it out. I felt good after that. 

His Intentions Revealed ... Well, not so much.

As much as I want to tell you guys every single thing that happens I can’t. The hardest part about being in a relationship and being a “writer” is drawing the line.

After my last post *Scott noticed I was upset. We ended up having a heart to heart about our feelings and the things that are going on in our relationship. So, for *Scott’s sake I won’t post our exact conversation that came about as a result of the “What are your intentions with my daughter” post. What I can say is that I know where his mind is and where we are headed. If it wasn’t what I wanted.. this relationship would be over.

Now, our weekend following was nothing short of fun. We started our Friday night by taking a CitiBike all the way to Washington Square Park to watch his friend play music. I had a ball being the honorary band member. The next morning we work up early to bike to a 9 a.m. viewing of “This Is The End” which was the most hilarious movie I have seen in a while. During the evening we decided to get ramen from a restaurant near central park. We hopped on our CitiBikes again and made the challenging bike to Central Park in 30 minutes. The worst part was that our 24 hour rental was almost up so we had to eat in 10 minutes in order to bike back. I was beyond tired. My weekend wouldn’t have been complete without my visit from aunt flow. I spent most of Sunday in bed with cramps but I had to go to church. I dragged myself out of bed and *Scott and I joined his sister at mass. As I expected, we went out to dinner and had a ball. I am really glad that I get along with his sister. We went to this Filipino restaurant called Grill 21, which I love to eat on occasion.

I wish I could write more often but my life has gotten out of control between school and work. So please bare with me. I have gotten all of your emails too! I am going to work on this layout as soon as I get a chance since I know that a number of you are having problems with the comment section. Until Next TIME!! <3

What Are Your Intentions With my Daughter?

As I sat with my family for dinner at Red Robin’s the talk about marriage came up. My mother is a true believer that I shouldn’t waste years of my life with a man who has no intention on marrying me. I also agree with this. So, for the 4^th of July she planned on talking with *Scott who was planning on joining us. I agreed that maybe they should ask those questions of him since I am curious myself. So here we are, 4^th of July headed to my family bbq at Swartzwood State Park in Jersey. Well, at least we thought. By the time we arrived to the park at 11:30 am the state police had closed it off. So *Scott, myself, my sister and her friend *Jess went to *Jess’s mom’s home near by. There we set up our own little bbq. I told *Scott that he got out of the questioning. He was shocked I didn’t tell him that he was going to be questioned. My sister decided to take the opportunity to ask him, “So, what areeee your plans with my sister?”. To my embarrassment he sat there and made a face. My heart sank. He couldn’t come up with anything to say to my sister, I am glad he wasn’t around my family. I put that to the back of my mind until we were headed back to NYC. I asked him the same question as my sister did. Again he couldn’t answer. He then asked why would my mom ask that kind of question. “She wants me to get married in the next two years” I replied. He began laughing at the notion of getting married in two years. Again my heart sank into my chest realizing that I may be wasting my time with him. Another few years of my life wasted. I don’t know what to do. It is as if I can never have a serious conversation with him. I did everything I can but, after hearing that I just lost all energy and will. I don’t want to tell him I love him anymore. I have been waiting for the perfect time to do it. I just can’t now. Am I being over dramatic? Not this time. Not when the person you have spent 2 years of your life with can not put it words how they feel about you nor could they even come up with a good enough lie to even attempt to put your heart at ease in the attempt to buy time. Thoughts?

Lack Luster Week

There are no more chocolates. The chocolates have been replaced with awkward conversations with VP’s asking me a million and one personal questions. I noticed one broker who likes to chat it up 10 times a day. I will call him *Paul Blart, since he looks like the mall cop to me. *Forever Alone has warned me about these guys trying to flirt and they have wives. I have caught many of them plenty of time without their wedding ring on too. *Paul Blart makes a point to talk to me and tries to do playful things like throwing a ball at me to catch or something. He also finds it amusing that I was a huge fan of a football player named Jake Ballard, who happens to also be white. He attempted to make jokes about that today. Sigh, I love this job but man, I can see this guy trying it. I need a good photo *Scott ASAP on my desk. Other than this my week has been rather basic. I have been shopping like crazy trying to find work appropriate clothes. I also have to shoot Vampz! this weekend too, so I won’t get to spend much time with *Scott as I would like. The good thing is that I have time off next week for the 4^th of July, with no pay. Ugh. 

What are Rich Men Looking For?

My afternoon this past Friday at work turned out to be interesting. I went to go ask a coworker a question and that turned into a conversation with a VP and three other brokers. The VP, we will call him *Panama, and we have *Forever Alone, *Mr. Fix it, and finally *Divorcee. All wonderful people by the way. *Panama was talking to *Forever Alone about dating and finding a girlfriend. I walked in on the part when he said he is just going to get a mail order bride because he doesn’t want to deal with the hassle of dating anymore. So the conversation about the kind of women he wanted began from there. He was interested in having a wife that would give him another child, stay home, cook, and clean. He wanted these things because he didn’t have that in his first marriage. In his first marriage his wife decided to work to get out of the house in return neglecting him, the children, and the house all together. So he hired maids to do the work. *Mr. Fix It jumps in and said that he wanted his wife to stay home; he makes enough money to do it so they came to that agreement and he couldn’t be happier. They have been married for almost 15 years now. It all came down to having submissive women. *Forever Alone comes from a country where that concept is alive and practiced but not to the extent where the women a being taken advantage of. She said it is the point of having a balance and knowing the role. Believe it or not most men want to be the provider and they don’t want much from their woman besides someone who will allow them to be in control. Or at least making them think that they are. *Panama wants that and doesn’t mind if his women shops until she drops as long as they have a good home.

The men I work with are very, very, rich and many of them are looking for a wife. Some are still dogs too. However, I keep noticing the idea of having a submissive women coming up. Check out this video from one of my favorite YouTuber’s to get a man’s perspective and tell me what you think in the comments or via email!

Anonymous Chocolate Giver.

For the last 3 days I have been greeted with Hersey Kisses at my desk. The first day I thought it was so wonderful. Wonderful because I thought a woman at my job was just being nice. I guess I was being naive. I asked all the women in the office that I saw on a regular basis if they put them on my desk. Stupid me! Why would a woman leave chocolates on my desk? By the end of the day I realized it had to be a man but I just ignored it. Wednesday morning I came into work with more kisses on my desk. Now I am wondering who is doing this since I come in at 9 am and who ever is doing it clearly is there before me. So this morning I tried to scan the office to see who comes in before me.

A Bunch of Old Men!!!!

I messaged *Scott about it and he told me to leave the chocolates on my desk instead of eating them or throwing them in the trash. That would let whomever know that I am not interested. We will see if that works tomorrow. 

On Being a Submissive Girlfriend

No, I am not talking about that ropes and whips kind of thing. I am talking about letting the man be the man in the relationship. This topic came to mind when I was with *Scott this past weekend and he mentioned that I always cry. He wanted to know why is it that everyone thinks I am a bitch but he had never seen that side. He followed that remark by saying, “You just like to be dominated.”

That shut me up real quick. It took a moment to think about how I am around him and I couldn’t find a reason to disagree with him. When being submissive I don’t mean being his servant or maid, I like to feel like he is in charge. I seek his opinion when I am making decisions in my life because he is important to me. Does this make me a less desirable woman? No! In fact, I believe that many men enjoy the concept of being in control and a woman who is willing to let go of herself in that way is beautiful. *Scott has been the only guy I couldn’t walk all over and that alone make me feel like a woman with a masculine man. What do you think about being submissive?

Breaking Up on Facebook

Thursday night I wasn’t expecting the message I received from *Scott. It was about my Facebook relationship status. He asked me why was it single and I was shocked. It caught me off guard that he noticed it and it was shown as single for no reason in particular. I told him it has been like that for a while and I had most likely changed that to upset him months ago. He messaged me in an angry tone saying that the status changed that day. Now I started to panic. I know what I did that day, work. That was all. I had no time to sit online and change my relationship status. I knew he was pissed off and there was nothing I could do to make it better. Immediately I went on Facebook and changed the status and made it public. See, before the status was only viewable to him. That is how I know for sure that I changed it to single on purpose.

Even though that was a mellow dramatic moment, I know that he takes our relationship serious and does not want me to come off as single to the world. Otherwise, I would be single for real. Have you guys dealt with the whole relationship status on Facebook ordeal? If so, comment or email me and tell me how you dealt with it!

Got Myself a Summer Job

It feels like every since I have returned from vacation I have been on go non stop. I haven’t been this busy in so long. So, to update you guys, I have a job. Just for the summer though. This will allow me time to save money, finish my classes for my degree, and search for a more permanent position. I am the assistant to two VP brokers at a major financial firm and I actually love my job and hope that it can lead to something more. I am still getting used to waking up at 7 in the morning. I haven’t done that since my last summer job. I haven’t seen *Scott in over a week now and I am counting down the minutes until I see him tomorrow. It will be another short weekend since it’s father’s day on Sunday. Working this week has also made me realize how much time I will not be able to spend with *Scott. I am used to seeing him on Thursday nights and leaving him on Monday morning. Now it will be Friday through Sunday nights. Sound needy much? I know, but I don’t care. There is nothing wrong with me wanting to be with him. Anywho, I have some updates I want to do to my blog this coming summer for a more professional look. I want to pay to get it redone but I have to find a site that is affordable. Until next time!

Calling me another woman’s name during sex

Calm down *Scott didn’t do it. I would murder him right then and there if he did. It makes me wonder what goes through a person’s mind right before they say a name during sex. I could imagine their eyes are closed and they are fantasizing about another person. For this reason, and I know this may be weird, I keep my eyes open. I want to be aware of everything and the person I’m with. Not only that, I like to see if *Scott is making a face. I really try to read his face, especially if his eyes are closed. I really want a guy to tell me what he thinks about during sex. Super random, I know. 

What is Your Number?

And what woman is going to answer that honestly? I know some of you may have had this discussion with your girlfriends over drinks. I know I have and I was shocked to find out that I am perhaps the least experienced person I know. I didn’t think I was freaky but there are some things I am not willing to try. That is, until I am married. So what does your number say about you? Nothing, unless you are a monster whore who had one hundred partners by the time you were 25. I can’t say I have been around the block because I have been in 2 long-term relationships thus far in my life, totaling nearly 6 years. Don’t go trying to guess my number. I did have a life before my serious relationships but not that much of a life.

This leads me to my next train of thought. Have you ever revealed your number to your partner?

I have never willingly done so. In my past relationship my ex was obsessed with knowing every detail of my life. So he did everything in his will to find out. I don’t know for sure how that made him think of me but I am sure as hell he didn’t trust me especially since my number was higher than his. He slept with 3 girls including me. No, my number isn’t a lot higher, but the mere fact that I was more “experienced” than him was more than enough. I think the most important thing when it comes to sex is not regretting the person you give yourself too. Sex is something that is to be enjoyed and I don’t regret any moment in my life. Well, maybe one. That story is for another time. Comment or email me if you want to hear about it in another post. So, would you ever reveal your number to your bf/gf? And what would be too high?

Fights About Boredom

The sheer amount of exhaust that I am experiencing is tiring to me. This past weekend was quite fun for *Scott and I. We hung out with one of his friends. I will call him *White boy, he is actually Nigerian though. He came over to *Scott’s apartment to hang out before he was going to meet up with a girl he is quite fond of. He invited us on this outing to figure out if the girl like him. I was excited to go out for a change so *Scott okayed it and we were on out way. Well, I had to go buy a nicer shirt first. I wanted to look cute. This led to *White boy having to go meet the girl. So *Scott decided to go grab something to eat before me met them at a hipster lounge call Von. I reluctantly allowed him to take me to Oh Taisho!, which is a Japanese place. I used to be so in love with coming here but I am just over it for some reason. We stuffed our face rather quickly and headed to meet *White boy but by then he has decided to get something to eat too. The dummies. We could have eaten together. *Scott and I decided to wait around for them so we went inside Von, which was dead as a doorknob and then to a coffee shop where I got a drink and muffin. Finally when we all made it back to Von I was ready to party. *White boy and I tried to make it fun while the music was pretty awful. After about an hour of trying to get *Scott to enjoy himself I became pissed at the fact that he just seemed bored. I guess I had the “mean black girl face” on because a white guy who had been staring at my breasts the entire time brushed by me and whispered, “you are the hottest girl in here, you should smile.” I did for a couple of seconds but I couldn’t help but get more pissed that *Scott was just sitting down looking into empty space. He finally asked me if I was ready to go and I said yes. Once outside he asked me why I was upset and started a mini argument. I told him I was mad because he was so boring. Maybe the wrong words to use but I meant it. For about 5 minutes we went back and forth until I did not reply or say anything. We were almost at his place when I stopped him in his tracks and hugged him. He thinks that I am getting bored of him in our relationship. I had to let him know that I’m not bored. I’m afraid that he his. *Scott held my hand and let me know that he is happy having lazy weekends in bed instead of partying every night like we used to. That made me incredibly happy. He makes me happy. 

Final Vacation Days

Our last stop was Grand Turks island. Another beautiful island and our plan was to be beach bums. I did attempt to do some shopping there but I didn’t find anything worth purchasing. We only had a few hours of time to enjoy the island so we found a spot on the beach far from the crowd and hung out in the water. *Scott was once again snorkeling in the deep end. I couldn’t follow him and it made me a little upset. I wanted to ride his back and hang on him in the water. I got a little lonely when *K and *Lonely Boy was hugged up most of the time. After a while I was able to convince *Scott to come with me to get food. We wandered into a hut on the beach that advertised conch fritters and jerk pork. We tried both and I felt like we were conned when it came time to pay. After spending nearly an hour talking to the owner he charged us $26 for 2 plates of food, a bottle of water, and a canned soda. I was fine with that until *Scott gave him $40 cash and he gave $8 in change. Let’s do the math on that people (40-26= 14 ). You got that right. I couldn’t believe *Scott let it slide. I wanted to chop that owner up. He didn’t even give us a chance to tip. *Scott had the nerve to want to go back there to get another plate. Not on my watch!

Fast forward to the next day at sea which turned out to be a fun afternoon with *K. After sleeping in for a while us girls decided to hit the hot tub to talk and get away from the guys. Of course I must keep that part of the conversation off my blog. Sorry. That wasn’t even the juicy part. We noticed from the deck we were on that the guys went to play mini golf. So we went to our rooms got dressed and went to the golf area. They were out of balls, which we said was fine because we expected our boyfriends to have some. Just our luck, they were not there. We walked all around the course until a couple of guys stopped us and asked if we could join their game. They said “you look a little lost and only hot girls get lost” or something rather silly. I told them we were looking for our significant others and the asked us to play still. So *K and I decided what the hell. It turned out to be the hot white guy in the club we met a few nights before. We were then joined by 5 of their friends and we turned into a game for drinks. We had a blast joking around we these guys. In the end there was a tie with 3 groups and *K and I lost. So the guys invited us to play dodge ball to for the tiebreaker. Of course I am not down for getting beat down so we declined. *K and I went wandering around the ship until we found *Scott and *lonely boy at the casino. We only stayed for a moment before we gave each other a “let’s get out of here” look. He ditched them and headed for the elevator to watch the other guys play dodge ball. *Scott came running behind us asking where we were headed. Silence. He said “what are you guys up to… looks like something sneaky”. I convinced him that it was nothing and we were on our way. The guys ended up losing and no drinks were bought but it was fun. On the final day of the trip the only thing *Scott and I were looking forward to was seeing a band play. We had watched them nearly every night. Their name is True Identity, a Filipino cover band and they are AH-MAY-ZING!

The day was a blur up until they played.

Overall, *Scott and I had an amazing time together. I can’t wait until we plan our next vacation. 

Vacation in the Bahamas day 3 and 4

Nassau in the Bahamas was the first stop on our cruise. We decided to take advantage of the day by getting out early since we were scheduled to leave around 4pm. Within a few minutes of stepping out of the port locals wanting to give tours hounded us. We ended up choosing the cheapest tour for $20, which was alright. I honestly thought that going there was a waste of time. The island wasn’t as beautiful as I thought it would be. If anything, Atlantis had the best beaches and it would cost upwards of $100 to access them. Nonetheless we made the most of our time there. We tried local food and went snorkeling at the beach. Before I knew it, it was time to head back to the ship. Our next stop was Half Moon Cay. This is an island that is privately owned by Carnival. I was in awe as we pulled up to the island. The water was beautiful and clear, the sand was white, and no locals haggling for business. We immediately set up shop on beach and headed in the water. I was a little afraid to snorkel because *Scott kept traveling farther and farther into the water. Of course time flies when you are having fun. Lucky for us our fun continued with our kayaking excursion. We ended up being the only group so we got to take our time and play around with each other. I got so tanned there you wouldn’t believe it. We got to play with jellyfish, sea cucumbers, and starfish. I was in awe at the experience that I was having and to have *Scott apart of such a special memory, I smiled the entire day. After our excursion we went back to the beach for a few minutes. *Scott chilled out in a cabana while I went for a quick dip in the water. That is when I noticed two guys watching my every move. They followed me in the water and when I got out they did too. *Scott noticed when I got back to him that they were taking pictures of me. I know that I was half naked… in a swimsuit, but these guys were seriously creeping on me. The creepiest part was when they walk past us attempting to take pictures of me incognito. They failed at it horrible. *Scott yelled at them, “We can see what you are doing ass holes”. As soon as we got back to our room we showered and probably had the best sex in my life. I think he was letting me know who is boss or something. Ladies, a mini vacation can do wonders for your sex life. *Scott and I had been in a slump up until this trip. We had sex once a day. During the trip it was multiple times. I got so much sex I thought my vagina was going to break. Wait, too much information? Naaaaa!

3 Days at Sea ... What I can remember of it.

 Friday morning I woke up at 6:30 am ready to get on the cruise. It wasn’t until 6 hours later I actually reached the cruise port and prepared to start my vacation. *Scott and my room was a small stateroom. We put our bags down and prepared to sail away from NYC. (insert port picture)

While watching New York fade away from the horizon *Lonely Boy had mentioned to *K and I that he and *Scott needed some guy time. * K and I looked at each other with a grin on our faces like, yeahhhh ok. So I told him it was fine, we could use some girl time to catch up. We went back to our rooms after that to prepare for dinner. *Scott and I sat in bed for a few minutes before *Lonely boy called us up to meet them. I wish I could remember what we had but it wasn’t that important. When we finished dinner the guys went to go smoke cigars and *K and I went to have girl time. Our first stop was the comedy show, which wasn’t too entertaining; we were more focused on dancing. We ended up going to a ladies night in the Red Carpet room. We decided to get drunk on purpose because we could. So we drunk champagne and took long island ice teas to the head. Our extremely handsome and bald bartender Elek entertained us as we flirted to get better drinks. The guys found us and our night was over. *Scott and I went back to our room and had THE most amazing sex. I enjoy having sex with him but this sex was just amazing. I know it was the environment and a sense of privacy that made it better.

Saturday morning I got up and showered and prepared for our first day at sea. Honestly, I can’t remember anything up until the fancy captains dinner where *Scott and I got into a huge argument. Everything was fine until he mentioned he and *Lonely Boy were gambling and he lost $100 in a matter of minutes. He didn’t want to tell me at first until I squeezed it out of him. I got so angry with him I wouldn’t even talk. Of course he got pissed too so it turned into a low pitched fighting match at the dinner table. It kept going until I couldn't hold back my tears. *K and I went to the restroom so I can gather myself. When I got back to the table *Scott and I hugged, kissed, and pretended nothing happened. That was the best thing we could do in order to not turn it into something bigger in front of hundreds of people. After dinner we walked around until *K and I decided to party again. The guys followed us even though we tried to get rid of them. We found our favorite bartender Elek, and began to get our drink on again. Of course *K and I wanted to dance but the guys didn’t so we found our way to the dance floor where a dance off was beginning. There was no shortage of good-looking guys on the cruise. A little eye candy doesn't hurt right? The guys who decided to dance were ok, but I wished that *Scott would have joined in. It would have been a huge turn on. After the dance off *K and I dance for a bit until she pointed out that our boyfriends were watching us. They had moved from our table, which was nowhere near the dance floor, to a spot close enough to see us without making it obvious. Again, we danced and danced until *K pointed out they were now next to the dance floor watching us. We ignored them and a few minutes later they told us they were headed back to the room. *Scott told me not to stay out to late and *Lonely Boy told *K to "be good". We laughed at them and said “thanks dads”. It only took a few minutes for them to disappear before this sexy white guy asked *K and I for a dance. We had to turn him down because our boyfriends were watching. I mean, I honestly didn’t believe that they actually left when they said they would. We stayed out for a while longer before we headed back. I found *Scott waiting in bed for me. I couldn’t help but laugh at him for that. Again, we had crazy amazing sex.  

Sunday turned out to be a relaxing day of sleep. We woke up late, got breakfast and returned to our room. *Scott began feeling sea sick so we took another nap and went to get lunch. He was still feeling horrible so he took a pill and knocked out. Before I knew it, it was time for dinner. He managed to get out of bed and by the time we made it to the dinner table he looked like he was about to hurl. He ended up leaving me at dinner with *K and *Lonely Boy. I was a bit sad and felt weird being with them. I rushed my dinner and brought his back to the room. I had no choice but to watch over him for the night and pray he would feel well enough for Nassau.

Sweet Home, New Jersey

I am back from my cruise guys! Yay! I can’t wait to update you guys on the dramatics of 8 days on a cruise to paradise with *Scott. We learned a lot about each other and how to manage being together for such a long time. So, while I gather my posts I will leave you with a few pictures after the jump!

Before *Scott Diary Entry part 3

Today I read a liberation blog. It was about lust. I loved how the author's husband described what he thought lust was, and when she didn't quite grasped the idea, he showed her. When I think of lust, I think of seeing a beautiful man, or an average man, something about them attracts me, like their eyes or lips, the way he carry’s himself. That starts my attraction and I lust after the idea of what sex would be like with him, or for him to kiss me, or for him to touch me. I think that's why I fell so hard for Tony in one night. He was a beautiful guy, his smile, he just seemed so happy. And when we danced he wasn't afraid to touch my body all while making me feel comfortable while doing so. I wanted him right then and there. And now I realize it wasn't because he was Asian, or seem exotic. It was because he was everything I had been missing for so long. So for days after I dreamed of him, and when we finally kissed I wanted to make love to him and fuck him. These are two different things. I wanted to make love because I wanted to connect with him and fuck him because I wanted him to have the best time he has ever had. I still don't hate him for standing me up. If Terry decides to fly in what will happen with us. What if I don't like him in person or I fall head over heels. I can’t have him. He lives in California. So I know I shouldn't have sex with him. That's just not right. Plus I have only been single for 2 months by then. But then again he has only been single for 3 months. 4 months by then. He has no idea that I was in a long-term relationship that was headed to engagement. I know that will turn a lot of people off, as they would think that they would be a rebound person. I am not lusting for him as I did for tony.  So it makes me curious to get to know him more to see of there is any connection. It isn’t like I’m really attracted to any other guys. 

Before *Scott Diary Entry 2

Dear *Ex,

              I know right now we are both emotional about the state of our relationship. As much as I hate to leave you I know in my heart it is the right thing to do. Every relationship has its ups and downs of course but when the love and trust is gone getting it back is the toughest thing in the world. I know I love you and you love me too but our relationship with each other is coming to an end. I told you how you treated me for the last 3 years after that incident. And then 2 years ago after our falling out I wanted to leave, and against my better judgment I allowed you to manipulate the situation. I cannot believe you threatened to take your life then. And now today you say it again.  I don’t want to be the reason you go to hell. In the end you will do what you feel is necessary and I don’t think hurting yourself is the way.

            You also constantly mention that this is so sudden. It is not like I have been planning to leave you, in fact it is the opposite. Your actions and words have numbed me to the point that I don’t want to feel. I have been mentally and emotionally preparing for you to leave me for a while. And you cannot pretend that I haven’t said this to you. You say to me most of what you say is a joke.  But when you constantly say things, when is the joke over? I cannot pretend that I am totally happy and I am shocked that you are acting like you are.  I have thought at one point that us getting married will be the solution, maybe you would love me more for real, or show affection, call me beautiful, something. But it isn’t the answer. And you wont be able to change your heart in one month.

            All we would be doing is putting off something that I know is inevitable. It hurts me to hurt you so bad, but this pain will go away. I know that you would find someone that you can love all the way and trust fully.  I am not that girl. I lost that a long time ago.  I don’t hate you and I know that you may think you hate me but I know you will be happy soon.  This is not about our families, other men, it is about you and me.  Our relationship has taken it’s course and while it was wonderful at times the bad moments are overshadowing our everyday lives. One day you will forgive me.

 - love Christal

Before *Scott Diary Entry 1

Today I am sad. Is this single life? Well it sucks. I know I need to take time out for myself, get to know me, yeah yeah. So this weekend I think I will go walk around the city if the weather allows. Perhaps, central park. I loved it there. Peaceful, people walking or running at their own pace. I guess I wonder what they are doing in their own life. I feel like im pathetic.

I thought of Shawn today. If he is ok. I thought of Tony today and if he is thinking of me. I finished watching the show full house today. It made me look at relationships different. They barely kissed in the shows, no physical touching but yet there was always love from just getting to know other people in the most awkward situations. I was thinking maybe I could find a love like that. It seems as though I am a helpless romantic. I know there is love in the world and someone meant for you. It is in my best interest that I stop searching but I know my Mr. Right is out there.

I also wonder if race really matters or is it all choice. God made someone for everyone, but did he mean not to mix us up?

I guess I am nervous about being with tony. We did get stares. We were different. Alas I am babbling on with the false idea that there could be really something between he and I. Too soon, I don’t think so. I hate not being able to remember his face, it bothers me that I feel like I’m not on his mind. Really this is all new to me. I have been in a relationship since I been out of high school so its weird to feel anxious and wanting someone to like me. Quite childish huh?

This weekend I’m also moving out of the apartment. I’d rather burn everything in that house. I don’t want to be there or here. I have been thinking of going on a weekend getaway to clear my head. I haven’t been sleeping well, my head hurts and I’m tired. I wish I had my keyboards here to practice. That will occupy my time. I am still interested in teaching myself Japanese. Although my mind has been seriously distracted. I know I need to cry, its there. I have been holding it in. I think I have too much pride to cry over such a jerk that I have dated. But it really sucks not to be truly loved when you know you given your all. One day I know I will find the right person. At 23 I’m already tired of men. Just in general. I have taken care of my last boyfriends to the point it nearly destroyed my life. Both Shawns. My credit, my money, my love, my hope for true love. Wasted. I became so lost in them I lost myself, whom I didn’t know in the first place. I don’t know what I do for fun, just for me. I love writing again. It’s a relief to speak openly about how I feel without feeling like I have someone watching over me.

I have literally been waiting by the phone for anyone to send me a message. But why not go for what you want?