Today I am sad. Is this single life? Well it sucks.
I know I need to take time out for myself, get to know me, yeah yeah. So this
weekend I think I will go walk around the city if the weather allows. Perhaps,
central park. I loved it there. Peaceful, people walking or running at their
own pace. I guess I wonder what they are doing in their own life. I feel like
im pathetic.
I thought of Shawn today. If he is ok. I thought of
Tony today and if he is thinking of me. I finished watching the show full house
today. It made me look at relationships different. They barely kissed in the
shows, no physical touching but yet there was always love from just getting to
know other people in the most awkward situations. I was thinking maybe I could
find a love like that. It seems as though I am a helpless romantic. I know
there is love in the world and someone meant for you. It is in my best interest
that I stop searching but I know my Mr. Right is out there.
I also wonder if race really matters or is it all
choice. God made someone for everyone, but did he mean not to mix us up?
I guess I am nervous about being with tony. We did
get stares. We were different. Alas I am babbling on with the false idea that
there could be really something between he and I. Too soon, I don’t think so. I
hate not being able to remember his face, it bothers me that I feel like I’m
not on his mind. Really this is all new to me. I have been in a relationship
since I been out of high school so its weird to feel anxious and wanting
someone to like me. Quite childish huh?
This weekend I’m also moving out of the apartment.
I’d rather burn everything in that house. I don’t want to be there or here. I
have been thinking of going on a weekend getaway to clear my head. I haven’t
been sleeping well, my head hurts and I’m tired. I wish I had my keyboards here
to practice. That will occupy my time. I am still interested in teaching myself
Japanese. Although my mind has been seriously distracted. I know I need to cry,
its there. I have been holding it in. I think I have too much pride to cry over
such a jerk that I have dated. But it really sucks not to be truly loved when
you know you given your all. One day I know I will find the right person. At 23
I’m already tired of men. Just in general. I have taken care of my last
boyfriends to the point it nearly destroyed my life. Both Shawns. My credit, my
money, my love, my hope for true love. Wasted. I became so lost in them I lost
myself, whom I didn’t know in the first place. I don’t know what I do for fun,
just for me. I love writing again. It’s a relief to speak openly about how I
feel without feeling like I have someone watching over me.
I have literally been waiting by the phone for
anyone to send me a message. But why not go for what you want?
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