Vacation in the Bahamas day 3 and 4

Nassau in the Bahamas was the first stop on our cruise. We decided to take advantage of the day by getting out early since we were scheduled to leave around 4pm. Within a few minutes of stepping out of the port locals wanting to give tours hounded us. We ended up choosing the cheapest tour for $20, which was alright. I honestly thought that going there was a waste of time. The island wasn’t as beautiful as I thought it would be. If anything, Atlantis had the best beaches and it would cost upwards of $100 to access them. Nonetheless we made the most of our time there. We tried local food and went snorkeling at the beach. Before I knew it, it was time to head back to the ship. Our next stop was Half Moon Cay. This is an island that is privately owned by Carnival. I was in awe as we pulled up to the island. The water was beautiful and clear, the sand was white, and no locals haggling for business. We immediately set up shop on beach and headed in the water. I was a little afraid to snorkel because *Scott kept traveling farther and farther into the water. Of course time flies when you are having fun. Lucky for us our fun continued with our kayaking excursion. We ended up being the only group so we got to take our time and play around with each other. I got so tanned there you wouldn’t believe it. We got to play with jellyfish, sea cucumbers, and starfish. I was in awe at the experience that I was having and to have *Scott apart of such a special memory, I smiled the entire day. After our excursion we went back to the beach for a few minutes. *Scott chilled out in a cabana while I went for a quick dip in the water. That is when I noticed two guys watching my every move. They followed me in the water and when I got out they did too. *Scott noticed when I got back to him that they were taking pictures of me. I know that I was half naked… in a swimsuit, but these guys were seriously creeping on me. The creepiest part was when they walk past us attempting to take pictures of me incognito. They failed at it horrible. *Scott yelled at them, “We can see what you are doing ass holes”. As soon as we got back to our room we showered and probably had the best sex in my life. I think he was letting me know who is boss or something. Ladies, a mini vacation can do wonders for your sex life. *Scott and I had been in a slump up until this trip. We had sex once a day. During the trip it was multiple times. I got so much sex I thought my vagina was going to break. Wait, too much information? Naaaaa!

3 Days at Sea ... What I can remember of it.

 Friday morning I woke up at 6:30 am ready to get on the cruise. It wasn’t until 6 hours later I actually reached the cruise port and prepared to start my vacation. *Scott and my room was a small stateroom. We put our bags down and prepared to sail away from NYC. (insert port picture)

While watching New York fade away from the horizon *Lonely Boy had mentioned to *K and I that he and *Scott needed some guy time. * K and I looked at each other with a grin on our faces like, yeahhhh ok. So I told him it was fine, we could use some girl time to catch up. We went back to our rooms after that to prepare for dinner. *Scott and I sat in bed for a few minutes before *Lonely boy called us up to meet them. I wish I could remember what we had but it wasn’t that important. When we finished dinner the guys went to go smoke cigars and *K and I went to have girl time. Our first stop was the comedy show, which wasn’t too entertaining; we were more focused on dancing. We ended up going to a ladies night in the Red Carpet room. We decided to get drunk on purpose because we could. So we drunk champagne and took long island ice teas to the head. Our extremely handsome and bald bartender Elek entertained us as we flirted to get better drinks. The guys found us and our night was over. *Scott and I went back to our room and had THE most amazing sex. I enjoy having sex with him but this sex was just amazing. I know it was the environment and a sense of privacy that made it better.

Saturday morning I got up and showered and prepared for our first day at sea. Honestly, I can’t remember anything up until the fancy captains dinner where *Scott and I got into a huge argument. Everything was fine until he mentioned he and *Lonely Boy were gambling and he lost $100 in a matter of minutes. He didn’t want to tell me at first until I squeezed it out of him. I got so angry with him I wouldn’t even talk. Of course he got pissed too so it turned into a low pitched fighting match at the dinner table. It kept going until I couldn't hold back my tears. *K and I went to the restroom so I can gather myself. When I got back to the table *Scott and I hugged, kissed, and pretended nothing happened. That was the best thing we could do in order to not turn it into something bigger in front of hundreds of people. After dinner we walked around until *K and I decided to party again. The guys followed us even though we tried to get rid of them. We found our favorite bartender Elek, and began to get our drink on again. Of course *K and I wanted to dance but the guys didn’t so we found our way to the dance floor where a dance off was beginning. There was no shortage of good-looking guys on the cruise. A little eye candy doesn't hurt right? The guys who decided to dance were ok, but I wished that *Scott would have joined in. It would have been a huge turn on. After the dance off *K and I dance for a bit until she pointed out that our boyfriends were watching us. They had moved from our table, which was nowhere near the dance floor, to a spot close enough to see us without making it obvious. Again, we danced and danced until *K pointed out they were now next to the dance floor watching us. We ignored them and a few minutes later they told us they were headed back to the room. *Scott told me not to stay out to late and *Lonely Boy told *K to "be good". We laughed at them and said “thanks dads”. It only took a few minutes for them to disappear before this sexy white guy asked *K and I for a dance. We had to turn him down because our boyfriends were watching. I mean, I honestly didn’t believe that they actually left when they said they would. We stayed out for a while longer before we headed back. I found *Scott waiting in bed for me. I couldn’t help but laugh at him for that. Again, we had crazy amazing sex.  

Sunday turned out to be a relaxing day of sleep. We woke up late, got breakfast and returned to our room. *Scott began feeling sea sick so we took another nap and went to get lunch. He was still feeling horrible so he took a pill and knocked out. Before I knew it, it was time for dinner. He managed to get out of bed and by the time we made it to the dinner table he looked like he was about to hurl. He ended up leaving me at dinner with *K and *Lonely Boy. I was a bit sad and felt weird being with them. I rushed my dinner and brought his back to the room. I had no choice but to watch over him for the night and pray he would feel well enough for Nassau.

Sweet Home, New Jersey

I am back from my cruise guys! Yay! I can’t wait to update you guys on the dramatics of 8 days on a cruise to paradise with *Scott. We learned a lot about each other and how to manage being together for such a long time. So, while I gather my posts I will leave you with a few pictures after the jump!

Before *Scott Diary Entry part 3

Today I read a liberation blog. It was about lust. I loved how the author's husband described what he thought lust was, and when she didn't quite grasped the idea, he showed her. When I think of lust, I think of seeing a beautiful man, or an average man, something about them attracts me, like their eyes or lips, the way he carry’s himself. That starts my attraction and I lust after the idea of what sex would be like with him, or for him to kiss me, or for him to touch me. I think that's why I fell so hard for Tony in one night. He was a beautiful guy, his smile, he just seemed so happy. And when we danced he wasn't afraid to touch my body all while making me feel comfortable while doing so. I wanted him right then and there. And now I realize it wasn't because he was Asian, or seem exotic. It was because he was everything I had been missing for so long. So for days after I dreamed of him, and when we finally kissed I wanted to make love to him and fuck him. These are two different things. I wanted to make love because I wanted to connect with him and fuck him because I wanted him to have the best time he has ever had. I still don't hate him for standing me up. If Terry decides to fly in what will happen with us. What if I don't like him in person or I fall head over heels. I can’t have him. He lives in California. So I know I shouldn't have sex with him. That's just not right. Plus I have only been single for 2 months by then. But then again he has only been single for 3 months. 4 months by then. He has no idea that I was in a long-term relationship that was headed to engagement. I know that will turn a lot of people off, as they would think that they would be a rebound person. I am not lusting for him as I did for tony.  So it makes me curious to get to know him more to see of there is any connection. It isn’t like I’m really attracted to any other guys. 

Before *Scott Diary Entry 2

Dear *Ex,

              I know right now we are both emotional about the state of our relationship. As much as I hate to leave you I know in my heart it is the right thing to do. Every relationship has its ups and downs of course but when the love and trust is gone getting it back is the toughest thing in the world. I know I love you and you love me too but our relationship with each other is coming to an end. I told you how you treated me for the last 3 years after that incident. And then 2 years ago after our falling out I wanted to leave, and against my better judgment I allowed you to manipulate the situation. I cannot believe you threatened to take your life then. And now today you say it again.  I don’t want to be the reason you go to hell. In the end you will do what you feel is necessary and I don’t think hurting yourself is the way.

            You also constantly mention that this is so sudden. It is not like I have been planning to leave you, in fact it is the opposite. Your actions and words have numbed me to the point that I don’t want to feel. I have been mentally and emotionally preparing for you to leave me for a while. And you cannot pretend that I haven’t said this to you. You say to me most of what you say is a joke.  But when you constantly say things, when is the joke over? I cannot pretend that I am totally happy and I am shocked that you are acting like you are.  I have thought at one point that us getting married will be the solution, maybe you would love me more for real, or show affection, call me beautiful, something. But it isn’t the answer. And you wont be able to change your heart in one month.

            All we would be doing is putting off something that I know is inevitable. It hurts me to hurt you so bad, but this pain will go away. I know that you would find someone that you can love all the way and trust fully.  I am not that girl. I lost that a long time ago.  I don’t hate you and I know that you may think you hate me but I know you will be happy soon.  This is not about our families, other men, it is about you and me.  Our relationship has taken it’s course and while it was wonderful at times the bad moments are overshadowing our everyday lives. One day you will forgive me.

 - love Christal

Before *Scott Diary Entry 1

Today I am sad. Is this single life? Well it sucks. I know I need to take time out for myself, get to know me, yeah yeah. So this weekend I think I will go walk around the city if the weather allows. Perhaps, central park. I loved it there. Peaceful, people walking or running at their own pace. I guess I wonder what they are doing in their own life. I feel like im pathetic.

I thought of Shawn today. If he is ok. I thought of Tony today and if he is thinking of me. I finished watching the show full house today. It made me look at relationships different. They barely kissed in the shows, no physical touching but yet there was always love from just getting to know other people in the most awkward situations. I was thinking maybe I could find a love like that. It seems as though I am a helpless romantic. I know there is love in the world and someone meant for you. It is in my best interest that I stop searching but I know my Mr. Right is out there.

I also wonder if race really matters or is it all choice. God made someone for everyone, but did he mean not to mix us up?

I guess I am nervous about being with tony. We did get stares. We were different. Alas I am babbling on with the false idea that there could be really something between he and I. Too soon, I don’t think so. I hate not being able to remember his face, it bothers me that I feel like I’m not on his mind. Really this is all new to me. I have been in a relationship since I been out of high school so its weird to feel anxious and wanting someone to like me. Quite childish huh?

This weekend I’m also moving out of the apartment. I’d rather burn everything in that house. I don’t want to be there or here. I have been thinking of going on a weekend getaway to clear my head. I haven’t been sleeping well, my head hurts and I’m tired. I wish I had my keyboards here to practice. That will occupy my time. I am still interested in teaching myself Japanese. Although my mind has been seriously distracted. I know I need to cry, its there. I have been holding it in. I think I have too much pride to cry over such a jerk that I have dated. But it really sucks not to be truly loved when you know you given your all. One day I know I will find the right person. At 23 I’m already tired of men. Just in general. I have taken care of my last boyfriends to the point it nearly destroyed my life. Both Shawns. My credit, my money, my love, my hope for true love. Wasted. I became so lost in them I lost myself, whom I didn’t know in the first place. I don’t know what I do for fun, just for me. I love writing again. It’s a relief to speak openly about how I feel without feeling like I have someone watching over me.

I have literally been waiting by the phone for anyone to send me a message. But why not go for what you want?

Bon Voyage !

Today *Scott and I will be going on our first vacation together. As you guys can recall my nervousness leading up to this point here and here. Now I am packed and ready to spend 8 days on a cruise to the Bahamas with my favorite guy. Of course I have the jitters still. I feel like this is the beginning of the rest of my life with him. Let’s not forget our 2-year anniversary is 3 days after we return. I hope this time next year I will be getting engaged or at least heading in that direction as long as a have a decent job.

I know what you’re thinking, damn nothing to read on her blog for 8 days. Fear not my readers over the next couple of days I will post old diary entries dated before *Scott and I. I think it will be a bit of fresh air and lets you guys in on the crazy Christal before *Scott. I often talk about sex because I was quite deprived since getting out of a long relationship. Contrary to what you might read about my extreme lustfulness and horniness, *Scott was the first guy I had sex with after ending my long term relationship. I hope you all enjoy! Oh yeah, don't judge me =]

I will miss you all !! And be sure to check out my instragram for picture updates as often as I can! You can find the link on the right hand side of the home page.

Caught in the Middle of a Love Triangle

I first of all want to thank my readers for emailing me for encouragement, advice, and to tell me to my shit together. Today, I want to comment on a letter I got from *A. She knows who she is but I want to keep her identity private. Her issue is that she is caught in the middle of a love triangle. One friend had a crush on a guy but the feelings weren’t returned, and the other friend tried to encourage the guy to like the friend but ended up getting with him. When the first friend found out she was hurt of course and now my reader *A is caught in the middle of a fight between her two best friends. What is a girl to do??

As a young adult you have to realize that you are needed for support now. For the friend that was hurt, you have to remind her that the guy is free to like whom he wants especially since he had already told her he wasn’t interested. However, for the friend who started to like him, I would knock that bitch up beside her head. If you are all best friends, she should have at least had the courtesy to ask for permission to talk to him intimately. That is girlfriend rule #1. Boyfriends, crushes, and ex’s are off limits unless exclusive permission is given. I had something similar happen to me in high school. The difference was that my friend did not disclose to me that she liked a certain guy. When he and I ended up liking each other and she found out, she began to spread rumors about me. Knowing that you are intentionally hurting a friend is screwed up and the girl needs to know it.

However! You have to also take into consideration that a person cannot help whom they are attracted to. Acting on it is where she messed up.

I can’t tell you who is right or wrong. You know your girlfriends; therefore you would be able to determine if things were done maliciously.

What do you guys think about beings in the middle of a love triangle?

Good Friday

Where do I begin? Waking up to *Scott once again gave me butterflies inside. That’s when I rolled over and realized he wasn’t next to me. Instead he was checking himself out in the mirror and turned to me and said “finally!”. He jumped into bed to show me a picture of how I was stretched out over the entire bed. How did he sleep me? I felt so bad. The day went very fast afterwards. I had to move my car for street cleaning and submit my final essays. Later on that day *Scott and I kept busy by playing a basketball. I found that he became self-conscious when the court suddenly filled up with several black guys. Not average, but super tall and super athletic ball players. As you can tell we are both on the short side and neither of us can play basketball good. Except for that day. *Scott normally whoops my ass in basketball even if he isn’t trying. That day, I was making 3 pointers and I beat him in around the world. I knew that he was frustrated but I did everything I could to encourage him. The good part was that I felt like he was the hottest guy on the court, no matter his skill level. After we finished our game we showered, separately, and headed to Jersey for an early mother’s day dinner. Since our reservations weren’t until later that evening we stopped to the mall to finish up some vacation shopping. I wish he would allow me to dress him. He always passes up really cool pieces because he has no clue on how to put it together. When I start working I am going to spoil him.

Fast forward to dinner, which was quite normal I might add. My parents are on the open side and to my surprise *Scott was not as nervous as he was during our first dinner with them. My mom talked about her first cruise with her friends and almost took the conversation down the wrong road. My family is very open when it comes to sex however, that doesn’t mean you do that around others. After a huge dinner, *Scott and I drove back to NYC and crashed into bed immediately.

Are any of your parents open to talking about sex around your partner? 

Return of the Man

I'm finally back into my honey bear’s arms! I was nervous getting ready to see him after nearly 3 weeks apart. I was afraid I wouldn’t like him or things would be different between us. Absence makes the heart grow fonder after a few days but weeks can makes you question if you can continue to go without that person. So there I was, pulling up to *Scotts apartment super calm until I saw him playing basketball. I couldn’t park my car fast enough before I found myself at the gate waving to him like a teenage girl watching her all star basketball player boyfriend dunk. As he walked me inside and I noticed I was distant. I watched him slowly wondering if he missed me, if he missed me as much as I missed him. It felt like going out on a first date. I dressed up a little, making sure my hair and makeup looked wonderful. I also put on a little extra perfume so that when I walked my scent was left behind. I couldn’t touch him though, he was sweaty from playing ball and that only made me more anxious. After he showered he jumped in bed to give me more kisses. This only made me self conscious because we had been apart for weeks and during that time I didn’t shave. I know TMI. I have a wax scheduled right before our cruise next week so you have to let things grow au natural so, I didn’t want *Scott rubbing my body. Yes, it did occur to me that I could have not seen him another week in order to avoid all sexual contact. Distracted by the growl of my tummy *Scott suggested we grab something to eat. He had a taste for chinese food so I suggested we walk to China town. I was shocked when he agreed and we were out the door five minutes later. We talked and held hands the entire way. During dinner we continued to talk about everything. I could never seem to remember exactly what. We made it back to his place and as soon as I walked in he grabbed me and began kissing me. I told him to keep his distance, being too self conscious. That didn’t stop him. He grabbed me into his arms and began to remind me why he is the sexiest guy to me. I am going to spare you all the intimate details. It felt good being around him again and with the encouragement from Diane, I was able to put my insecurities aside for a minute and enjoyed that moment. In my heart of hearts, if that makes sense, I know that he is faithful to me but, I am still a girl right!?

Keep the emails coming guys!! I enjoy the private conversations I have with you!

The Insecure and Annoying Girlfriend

I guess I can be quite annoying and insecure at times. I am working on that I swear. *Scott has finally made it back to the city and still I don’t know if we can see each other yet. Mothers Day is coming up this weekend and we haven’t set official plans with our parents yet. I really missed him so I got him on the phone to talk a bit. Something we barely do. Talking on the phone has never been our thing so it was a bit awkward. I ended the call upset because I felt like he didn’t want to speak. In turn, I asked him to video chat with me. I was shocked when he was ok with that. He said he isn’t a phone person, and I’d rather see his face more than anything. I felt like a little girl in the candy store when the video of him popped up. We talked about our cruise and random little things. I let him know about my weekend and he let me know about his. I realized, at the moment when my cheeks were burning because I couldn’t stop smiling, that I need to work on my self esteem and my insecurities in our relationship. His presence makes me happy and I know he is the one I want to be with. When we see each other I want to talk to him more about my insecurities and how I plan on working on it. Surprisingly enough, I have never been insecure in a relationship because I knew I was the one in control. However, being with *Scott has brought out emotions I have never experienced in a relationship before. Even after being together for such a long time we still have a long way to go as a couple.

How do you guys handle insecurity in your relationship?

How to Trust Your Boyfriend?

How much time apart is too much time apart? This week will be the third week of being apart from *Scott. Part of me wonders if I could continue to go without seeing him. The other part misses him. My feelings right now are only amplified by the fact that he added a new facebook friend. Yes, facebook the place where relationships die. Currently, it is 3:30 in the morning and he added her around 2:30 am. I sent him a text around 1:30 am. No reply. How does that look good on is part. The question I have is how are you making these new female friends and none of them a mutual to any of the billion friends you have on facebook. That is questionable to me. Of course on the same night another female leaves a message on his page 

“♡primping to my awesome playlist, sippin on raspberry vodka +preping to dance my little heart out!  *Scott, you better make it (: ”

Again, no mutual friends. So what am I to think? I mean I am no being extra or anything but, if I were to have this happen to me, he would be bitching beyond belief. I want to trust him, I really do. 
So I did additional investigation and saw that this friend that posted the message was not recently added but a long time friend and the new friend is pretty ugly so I know that he wasn't trying to talk to her. I did confront him about my feelings and I am fully aware that I am insecure at times but how can I not be. He is 1,000 miles away partying and I don't know what he is doing. He could say the same for me if he knew that I went out with all guys on the same night. Well, sort of. A girl came for a few minutes but she left and I hung out with my friends for a few hours smoking hookah and talking about art and our show Vampz!. I feel as though I need to have a heart to heart with him in regards to boundaries and the type of friendships we have outside of our relationship. 
I wish that he lets me know he is going out with a couple of friends instead of me seeing things online and taking it another way. That would take the edge off. I am curious if he is ok with me hanging out with my male friends and making new ones. 
Trust in a relationship is serious work and some days I am fully trusting but other days I am not fully confident in my ability to continuously make him happy. I am working on it.

Miss " I Live For You And I Have Nothing Else Going On "

I guess this happens when you have neither friends nor job. Oh wait. That sounds like me. I don’t want to be that girl and getting a job and meeting people will give me a life, at least I think it will. I realize now that I have always been a loner. While growing up I loved building dollhouses from cardboard and painting them or putting together intricate puzzles. I think *Scott is the same way too, secretly. According to a writer, Samantha Daniels , I would be difficult to marry because my significant other may feel suffocated by me. I however, think it is completely possible to have a balance of no personal life and relationship. As, a young adult I still enjoy time alone doing things I love such as shopping, writing, or reading online articles. Having friends does not equate to being happy. What kinds of things do you guys do to keep busy when you are not with your partner?

Dating Down... the fear of not being good enough

“Brunch with veteran doctors and new ones” was the message I read that made my stomach churn. *Scott is in Miami enjoying the company of his doctor family members and now his sister has joined the club. I have no other word to describe the feeling I get around *Scotts family but inferior. His family had moved to America from the Philippines when he was a child and has made themselves into a family of high achievers. *Scott and his dad being an engineers, his sister a doctor, his cousin a dentist and so on. I feel as though my career or family can compete with that. I can blame it on race difference but there are plenty of blacks that are educated with great jobs. I am graduating this summer with a BA in History. There are so many things I can do with my degree but nothing, in my opinion, which holds the prestigious title of “Doctor …” or “Engineer”. I want wanted to become a teacher one day but the economy is not providing promising or lucrative careers doing so. This leaves me to question my worthiness, for the lack of a better word, to be with *Scott. I wish I took another path in life at times however; none of them would have led him to me. I want to know what his family thinks of me so bad. Asking *Scott would be stupid because if they actually hate me, wouldn’t he spare my feelings? He comes from a family where everyone is expected to have these amazing job titles so wouldn’t they want him to be with someone on the same level? As my graduation approaches this fear resonates within me constantly. I want to be good enough. I want my family to be good enough.

Now, I know that I have no control over what my family members choose to do but honestly, I wish they could all do better. My mom has a degree in science but it was only obtained within the last few years. My sister lost the will to become a nurse, which was her dream since she was a baby.

I am dreading the day when our families would be in the same room. Those questions are asked immediately. I fear they might think that he is going to marry a poor girl. I HAVE to do much better.

Have you ever felt inferior to you partner or their family?

Sexual Insecurities

*Scott is in Miami for the week attending his sister’s graduation from medical school. I guess this trip came right on time because I am all over the place right now. With having to focus on finals and my oh -so important senior thesis my sexual appetite has taken a back seat.  Usually, I want to be with him all the time but recently sleep has being my most prevailing desire. I figure once I finish classes I can get back to my normal self and enjoy a nice vacation away. Maybe that trip will spice things up for us as well. Over the last two months I we have been more apt to cuddling and if we are getting it on it is in the morning before he lifts or workout. I know he is a morning guy and sex after working out might not be that exciting since he would be sore. Working out probably impairs him from getting in the missionary position but not me. So yeah, it is my fault. I guess I could get on top more but I am always self-conscious of my body. It seems my mind tends to wander off thinking about my prickly legs or my enormous breasts. Is there anything in my teeth? If I could be perfectly waxed and made up every time we have sex I would probably be more into it. I can recall one morning I woke up at 7 just to shower, shave, and look pretty just to have sex. The things women go through to please their boyfriend/husband(s). I wish I knew what is going on in his head too. If you are getting it on and your mind wanders, what are you thinking about?